Whether intentional or not, sometimes family members favor one child over another. Here are some suggestions how to handle favoritism with your children.
How To Handle Favoritism From Family Members
Jill,
I admire your common sense and down-to-earth nature so here is a question for you and other grandmothers. My mother and sister like to give lots and more gifts to my niece than my daughter. Her Easter was like our Christmas! My mom probably doesn’t mean to do anything differently, but she doesn’t get to see my niece as often, so she tries to make up for it with gifts, sometimes even when we are all together.
I want my daughter, who is the same age, to be treated the same as her cousin, yet I’m not comfortable with the overabundance of toys. I don’t know if I should ask my mom to treat them the same, because then she would be outdoing Santa at our house, but at the same time, I don’t want my daughter to feel less liked. I realize that this all sounds very petty. Basically, any advice you and your readers could offer on the topics of treating children fairly and equally would be appreciated.
Also, how do I address my daughter, who isn’t old enough to understand the differential treatment?
Favoritism, even if it isn’t intentional, is one of those age old questions for which there is really no easy answer, especially when I don’t know all of the people and details but here are a couple things I have done or have seen others do to try to address this situation.
You may need to compromise.
If you want your mom to treat them the same, you will have to give a little on the number of gifts. You don’t need to worry about what your daughter will think if she gets more gifts from grandma than Santa. There have been years when I have arrived on Christmas Eve with my car packed from floor to ceiling with gifts and the kids think it is so cool. “Nan” is different from Santa and one isn’t better or worse than the other. Trust me– The next morning when Santa comes, they are usually just as excited.
Of course, I still try to be reasonable. If I know Santa isn’t going to be able to bring quite as much that year, I will often give part of the gifts I was going to get the kids to Santa for him to give to them. I don’t care who gets credit for the gifts. I just love watching their faces when they get the gifts and appreciate the fun the kids have with them.
Even though I think grandparents should be given a little slack and be allowed to “spoil” the kids with gifts, it is still a two way street. I try to respect my daughter and son and run most of my gifts for grandkids by them and get their approval.
How to talk to you daughter.
Kids, especially young ones, will take their cues from their parents’ reactions. I know that when my kids have only gotten underwear from other family members but no toy, I tried to act really excited about it and say, “Oh boy! Look at those cool Superman undershorts. You will look so strong in them…” or something like that. I am not so naive as to think that those are as neat as a remote control car but it does help put things in perspective and ease the disappointment a little.
Even the youngest child can understand more than we sometimes realize. In simple words, just tell your daughter that grandma loves her so much but she doesn’t get to see Sally (made up name for her cousin) as much. “Remember how she gave you an ice cream last week and Sally didn’t get one?” Or something to that effect.
How To Handle Favoritism With Your Children
Favoritism is a pet peeve of mine. I have no tolerance for grandparents, parents or anyone who shows favoritism to one child over others. It hurts. At times it is bad enough that I feel it can border on emotional abuse, which I think is often as bad as physical abuse. I don’t regret too many things that I did as a parent. I do regret that I didn’t realize earlier that it was my job to protect my child from favoritism in the same way I would protect them from running into the street and getting hurt. I have to admire you for asking for help about how to protect you daughter from this. I didn’t know any better.
Part of what makes this situation so difficult is that you love your mom and don’t want to do anything that will hurt her but at the same time you love your daughter and don’t want her to be hurt. We both know that your mom loves your daughter and doesn’t want to hurt either of you but sometimes things get confused or mixed up, either in grandma’s mind or in communication. No matter what reason is behind it, you must always choose the course that is least hurtful to your daughter. Your mom is the adult and can take care of herself. Your child has no one but you to protect her in this case so you need to do what is best for her.
That doesn’t mean to be hateful or mean in how you approach the situation. If you can, go to your mom and just explain the situation and be honest with her. Find a time when just the two of you can sit down together. (Don’t get anyone else involved, like a husband or sister.) Simply tell her that you know she doesn’t mean to but it does hurt you when she gives so many gifts to your niece and that you are afraid it will really hurt your daughter and will eventually cause a rift in their relationship. You might say, “I know you don’t get to see Sally as often but maybe you could give her part of the gifts when we aren’t there.” Then start bouncing off ideas like this with her.
This is just one way to get started. You need to use your own words but the main thing is to let her see that you are hurt but not angry or condemning of her. People respond much better if they aren’t put on the defensive.
Some of you may not be able to talk reasonably with a parent, especially about favoritism, without them becoming angry or refusing to listen. If this is the case, you will have to try other things. Some might be more drastic than others. I would start with the least drastic option and work my way down the list.
Options If No One Listens
You could stop celebrating Easter with your family and do something else.
If they open gifts on Christmas Day, you may have to plan to stop by on Christmas Eve and not open gifts with them.
The worst case scenario is that you may have to stop spending the holidays with them for a few years. As bad as you think not being with the grandparents at the holidays may seem, it is much worse to be with them when your daughter is being hurt because of favoritism.
When we were first married, we were driving to one grandparents’ home for Christmas Eve. We got up the next morning and had a few minutes for Santa but we couldn’t allow the kids to play with their toys because we had to pack it all up and then drive for 6 hours on Christmas Day to the next grandparents’ home.
The grandparents weren’t willing to let us celebrate Christmas with them at one place one year and the other the next year. My husband lost wages and could only get 2 days off so it was a hurried and awful trip for us and the kids. It was making Christmas miserable but the grandparents loved it. We finally said, “Enough!” and announced that we were staying home. Of course they all complained and tried to make us feel guilty but we stood firm. We told them that they were more than welcome to come to our home. They could have easily gotten off work and could stay for a few days if they wanted but they said no because they were never willing to leave the other siblings. Part of my guilt disappeared when they said that. The last of the guilt disappeared a couple years later when the other siblings weren’t going to be with them for Christmas and they still didn’t come to our home, deciding to take a trip someplace else. I didn’t feel nearly as bad for tearing their grandkids from their bosom that year!
Here’s my point: I thought it was going to be awful not to go to the grandparents’ homes for Christmas but we ended up having an equally good time and some years an even better time. Don’t panic and think that you can’t do Christmas without them. Trust me– they get over it and if they don’t then it is their problem not yours.
If it becomes necessary to do this, it doesn’t have to be this way forever. Do it for a few years and, when your kids are old enough to understand, you might be able to start sharing the holidays again. Also, in our case, it wasn’t as if they never got to see their grandparents. They saw them quite often and spent a lot of time with them– just not at all of the holidays.
This is one of those situations where there is no easy solution. It may hurt someone no matter what you do but the main thing is to be willing to be uncomfortable and hurt, yourself, in order to prevent your daughter from being hurt.
-Jill
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I have gone through this for years with my husbands parents but not with gift giving but with time and attention. My in-laws never make a sports game; invite them over or even call them to say hello and how are you. My three boys are 12,10 and 7. They realize everything! My boys hear how they spend time with the other grandchildren (including my husbands 16 year old daughter from his first marriage)and how they sleep over; go out to eat; watch there sports and even vacations. I have been asked questions like why dont they love us like the others; when will they ask us to go over; sleepover or come to see us? Call made to them often result in I am busy with (one of the others); or your cousina are here and I cant have no more than two children at a time over (believe me house isnt small!). Its heart breaking and has been this way since I have had my first son. My husband has tried talking with his parents but they see nothing wrong with their actions. This year (just recently) we have walked away from them all together. No contact. No holidays. I wish my children could have a relationship with their grandparents but the hurt has gone to far. I thank God each day they have my parents who love them to pieces!
I feel your pain. It’s the same with us. When my husband retired from the Army, we moved back to our home state so he could be closer to his family. HUGE mistake. Instead, we have front row seats to watch how much they spoil his brother, sister in-law and their two kids. Just yesterday our daughter sent me a screen shot of my sister in-laws FB update. She was thanking grandma and grandpa for the mani/pedis and new clothes they bought her and her daughter. They NEVER did things like that with any of us. Our kids get $25 every year on their Birthday. Their cousins get laptops, smart tv’s, xbox etc. My in-laws know all there is to know about their other grandchildren. They barely know our kids. They don’t bother spending time with them. We are now planning on moving to Maine in a few years. Once we get away from these people, I won’t ever have to see them again! Oh and they also don’t see anything wrong with their actions. When we try to say something about it, we are treated like we are being jealous.
I encourage you to talk to the person who is slighting one child for another soon rather than later. My daughter recognized at 4 years old that her grandparents treated her much differently than her brother. It always hurt her and even now that they are both gone, she still has residual feelings about this. I tried to talk to them about how she felt when she was younger, but they thought that boys needed more money than girls so they would give him money and not her, and I mean thousands of dollars over the years. It is totally a generational gap. Take action or don’t go over there when gift giving will be taking place. You have the power to make things right for your daughter.
This is not about “favoritism” as much as it is about holiday gatherings. My friend’s mother-in-law announced that she knew Christmas was a tough time for her adult kids, running from place to place, so she did not want anyone to come to her house for Christmas. She had a New Years Day dinner instead and asked everyone to come to that. She was the most popular mother in law I ever knew!
You said that your mom doesn’t see the other grandkids as often. As a Grandmother myself, I’m guessing that if she sees your children more often she’s spending money on them all year long and is trying to make it up to the grandchildren she isn’t around. (If not, she would be showing favoritism to your children.)If that’s the case, when she buys your children a little surprise, offer to help her mail a surprise to the other grandchildren. I am really against treating one child/grandchild differently than another but, in your attitude you may be making this bigger for your children than it actually is. This could be used to help them learn that their Grandmother misses and loves the other grandchildren just as much as she loves your children.
Hi, I’m sorry to hear of others with this problem. When our children were little; my mil always seemed to treat her other grandchildren better. Basically, as the children grew older we had to explain to them why, altho we really didn’t know why. However, our children are now adults, and sadly enough, they certainly don’t go out of their way to be in contact with her. If they are in the same place as her, they aren’t rude or anything; they just do not go out of their way to see her.
My parents on the other hand were more fair, altho our kids were the youngest of the grandchildren; but our kids loved to see them when they were still with us.
I feel that mil has chosen this way by herself; and she is reaping what she sowed.
It woould seem that in this case, it isn’t that kind of situation where the grandparent (s) are really favoring, but as you said; just making up for lost time. Perhaps if you talk to her, the extra gifts could be given when your child isn’t around. Most people would understand that. Good luck
Jill – Such good advice. Your experience about rushing from place to place at Christmas certainly resonated with me. We did that for many years, travelling to one set of grandparents at Christmas and the other at New Year’s. So stressful and exhausting – not to mention wintery weather causing trouble. I think it’s important for young families to create their own traditions and enjoy Christmas at home if that’s what they want to do. Hopefully the grandparents would be understanding. If not, they probably aren’t the kind of people you would miss too much at Christmas anyway.
My family situation was a little different but still awkward. My Mother-in-law was much more financially able to purchase gifts for our kids than my mom and since we spent Christmas together every year, I just bought some gifts for the kids and put my mom’s name on them. It was difficult because my mil showed up on Christmas morning with her car loaded to the gills but my mom only came with a few presents she could afford. What we did was have my mom come the night before my mil and whatever was under the tree on Christmas morning, my mil did not know that my mom did not buy the gifts. My mil was so competitive, she had to have the upper hand and I did not want to get my kids involved in that. So, we did what we could to mitigate the situation and as the kids got older, even they could see the way she acted was not appropriate. In retrospect, I think she was so insecure that she thought bringing more gifts would make the kids love her more. And all they wanted to do was spend time with their grandmom’s. My mom died about 20 years before my mil and we didn’t have that anxiety after a bit but it was sure challenging when it was happening. And me, a new mom, having Christmas dinner for the whole family and wanting everything to go smoothly and dealing with their competition. Wouldn’t want to go through that again, although I do miss having little kids around the house at the holidays.
Interesting replies.
I was the victim of favoratism as a child. My cousins were all more favored than me. When my parents separated my grandmother refused to have anything to do with me although at age ten I wrote letters to her. It still hurts after all these years.
Back to the original question and your excellent suggestions Jill. I think the parents of the other child should also be aware of the favoratism and firmly both discourage it and if necessary share some of the gifts with the other child or take them home unopened. This is definitely cruelty and if the grandmother does not agree to change her ways then she will have to get used to holidays alone. I suspect there is more to this than the original question implies. I have three grandchildren and there is a dollar limit on gifts which sometimes means I merely contribute to a more expensive gift
Great article and good suggestions for a painful situation.
Family can be hard to deal with during holidays. My husbands mother was ill most of my daughters life. She never received a present from her due to her illness. She never knew grandma. We talked about the situation before, during and after each holiday as she grew up. We tried to do this as calmly as possible. — Kids adapt and understand more than you think.– It is best if the parents sit down and calmly talk about what they are going to do and how they are going to behave during the holiday. Then follow thru. Make adjustments to the plan for the next holiday. Bottom line, remember to do what is best for your child(ren). — We always find that starting the conversation with Prayer is best.
When my children were young, both my mother and MIL lived in our same town about a mile from each other. On Christmas we would first open our gifts at home, then go to my moms for dinner and then go to MILs for dessert. The kids really loved it and we talked about it for years. Especially the year that it snow so much, that we took the kids to MILs on a sled cause we couldn’t get the car out. Then my mom moved to Florida, and my MIL is now in a nursing home. We have a huge family 90+ and decided a few years ago to celebrate our Christmas on the Saturday before. We rent a hall and everyone brings something. One of the uncles dresses as Santa for the little ones. On the subject of favoritism, I am guilty, but not of my own choosing. When the first two grandchildren were born, one a girl, one a boy. The boy didn’t want any part of me and would only stay overnight at my house and slept on the couch with my hubby. Whereas the girl, loved to go anywhere with us, and we took her to Florida for a week or so to see her great grandmother and a great cousin when she was 3 or 4. When the next grandchild (girl) was born, the first one’s sister, she had the same disposition and went everywhere with us. I took her camping when she was just 4 weeks old. Her mom and dad had to work. Therefore, they still go everywhere with me, while the others stay home. I have two more grandchildren whom I very seldom see, they only live about 20 minutes away, that never wanted to stay with me when they were young, and they still don’t. Their father (my son) gets annoyed that I don’t take them anywhere, but I can’t force them to go with me. I was all set to take them to Disney one year, but their parents said I couldn’t till after they took them. So they still haven’t seen Disney with me or their parents. I feel bad at the holidays sometimes, but it’s their parents fault, not mine. I tried.
My daughter clearly favors her son over her daughter. I’ve tried to bring it up to her but she just gets defensive and won’t listen to me. The other day I witnessed her favoritism cross the line to abuse. I just held my granddaughter as she cried. I don’t know what to do. My grandson does have a better temperament than his sister. She can be difficult at times. But I think it is due to the favoritism her mother shows her brother. I see it is affecting my granddaughters self esteem and performance in school. Please help I need advice. Others in the family see the favoritism but no one wants to confront my daughter because she is so hostile.
Lisa I really hate to give advice for something like this because there are so many different people and things involved that it is really not possible to give proper advice or counsel without out seeing and talking to everyone in person. I will say a couple of things that might help a little though. One if you are a Christian in a situation like this you need to really really pray that God will intervene and then believe that He will and leave it in His hands. There are some things that only He can fix. Now that being said that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything. At this point the main thing you need to do is to keep doing what it sounds like you are doing and be there for your granddaughter as much as you can and of course comfort her. Being a grandparent is one of the hardest jobs in the world sometimes because we all watch our children make mistakes and do things that we know are hurting our grandchildren – some worse than others – and we feel so frustrated because our hands our tied to help. One thing though is like I said you can be there to counteract it as much as you can with love and encouragement and then let God do what you can’t (like deal with your daughter). As frightening and discouraging as it may seem you are helping more than you realize and I know of so many stories of adults who have lived in situations like your granddaughter and have grown up and say how much a grandparent had helped them survive in a situation like that. Having someone like you there to love and support them can make a world of difference in her life. You might do some things that spend as much “alone” time with just her as you can. Have a “girls night” with a sleep over as often as you can, take her to special things like the Nutcracker at Christmas or a movie that only a little girl would like which would give you special time with her without her brother (not that you are to ignore her brother of course). I don’t know her age but a tea party for just you and her, I took my granddaughters to a beauty collage when they were about 11 to have their hair done and make up (even though they weren’t old enough to wear it yet the ladies did a great job of being tasteful on that). Those won’t fix her mom but it might help some for her to have time with only you and not her brother. Life can be hard in so many different ways for children but I think that is why God gave us grandparents for them to be the cushion and safe place for all the hard knocks and falls they will be having to take in life. Don’t get discouraged and I am so thankful you are there for her.
If you talk with your mother about this, just gently suggest that she give the extra presents to the child’s parents to give to the child at other times. My child had a Christmas time birthday. She got very little for her birthday since no one wanted to overwhelm her with so much close to Christmas. Instead she got a chance to celebrate a half-birthday in June and got some of the things she might have received on an actual birthday that was not so close. The whole family agreed to this after very brief discussion. She very much enjoyed the real, the half and Christmas as special occasions. Perhaps your mother and the niece’s parents could arrive at some compromise that would continue to keep things even but not overwhelm one at one occasion.
This is a wonderful idea! I also have my birthday just 12 days before Christmas, and it used to hurt so much as a child that my parents would encourage the family to not give me as much for my birthday since Christmas came so close after and they didn’t want to be overwhelmed with all the new stuff. And it would hurt even worse when my sister, whose birthday is in April, would get the full amount of gifts for both holidays. It just didn’t seem fair, but I was . I don’t think it was intentional, but it sure does hurt more than people might think. It’s not my fault I was born so close to a major holiday :P
Selena I totally agree with you. That makes me so mad that people do that to those who are born around Christmas. My son was born just a bit before Christmas and I made sure he had the same amount of birthday presents anyone else would get and even made sure of little things like wrapping his presents in birthday paper and not Christmas paper because I had it out and it was handier. He always had a birthday party that was just that and had nothing to do with Christmas. I have never been able to figure out why people think just because your birthday is on or by Christmas it makes it ok to combine the gifts!
Kids do notice and it does hurt them.
As a child I watched as my cousins and even my sibs were given gifts while I didnt receive any (I now know that I was treated differently as I was adopted). Unfortunately my children also go the same treatment and as soon as they were old enough to voice their thoughts they made it quite clear that they didnt think they were being treated fairly…they even noticed how differently I eas treated.
My suggestion is to talk to your mom about it and if that fails, do what I did. Its summer here at christmas time so we have our own little Christmas picnic at the beach and catch up with family on boxing day. This way the children arent there to see what their cousins get.
That’s very sad…why they would feel the need to exclude you because you were adopted seems so cruel. That’s where your parents should have stood up for you and told them that things needed to be more fair for all of you….it’s a shame when parents don’t do what they should. My brother and sister were treated differently by my grandmother (my dad’s mom, who wasn’t their birth father). She never invited them over one-on-one to stay the night and referred to them as “Jan’s kids” (our mom). She was always so nice to my little brother and I, but as I got older I could see how she treated them, and hated it. I felt so bad about it, but our dad wouldn’t say anything to her.
I agree with you totally. I usually try not to let my dander get up but with things like that I get really angry. When a child is adopted they are that persons child period. I have an adopted niece and nephew and I don’t even think about it or remember unless someone mentions it. They are my niece and nephew. I am so grateful to come from a family where everyone one accepted them without even thinking about it – all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.
This isn’t so much about favoritism, but when my boys were growing up, we had to spend every holiday with my mother. Many times my mother-in-law was inivted to share with us, but we too had to leave our gifts Christmas morning and drive to my mom’s. My parents were divorced and I was an only child to my mom, but my sons were my dad’s only grandchildren also. One year my husband and I decided that we were going to spend Christmas at my dad’s. Unfortunately he died before Thanksgiving that year. I will always regret that I didn’t have the courage to do it sooner.
My MIL has 3 grandchildren,my two boys and my hubby’s niece.My parents act like they have only 1 grandchild and only her 2 great grandchildren.Both my parent’s and MIL have shown massive favoritism over the year’s and left my boy’s out.My son’s are high functioning autistic but they are very smart and noticed very early the difference made between them and the other children.My MIL was horrible to my oldest,who was her 1st grandchild,verbally making fun of him and constantly telling him he needed to learn to act like so and so’s kid.She always spends several hundred $ on the other grandchild and 3 to 5 $ on mine.My parents are the same.He was 6 when his brother was born and she started treating him the same way.We now have very limited contact with either set of grandparents and if they say or do something unacceptable,I immediately tell them they are being rude.I just tell my kid’s the truth, some people are just jerks and there is nothing we can do to change them.
Hang in there Mary. Some people arent worth our breath.
Your kids will take their cues from you, you give them all the love they need.
God bless.
I to know how it felt for my kids to be treated not only at Christmas but all through the year by my in-laws as my sister-in-law had three children without a husband and lived with her parents. I think they felt sorry for her kids as they didn’t have a Dad living with them and they were given more money and gift wise then my children but as I look back my kids had a father and a mother to raise them and our children all support themselves and have jobs where only one of her children works and support themself now. I feel blessed that more wasn’t always better as i look back.
I had the same situation with my current in laws ( step grandparents) and my children’s father . My ex husband always had favored and I mean FAVORED our daughter over our son. When we were married I could control it, however after the divorce, I couldn’t . When Christmas came she would receive about 20 gifts and our son was given about 4-5. When they were little, I would just count the packages and make it even Steven, then give our daughter the others when he wasnt home.it was our Emma who noticed the favoritism, and get idea. As they got older and understood dollar values. I would peak inside and tally up a dollar amount and tell my son that daddy got her more but spent the same amounts( yep I lied). Then when the teen years hit, all they wanted was money, so that was easy. I just told my ex to send the same amount to each if them. Not a perfect solution, but it worked.
My current in laws spend about $20 on my kids but their real grand kids well its over the top…I always felt bad for my kids, being the steps and all. I always felt some need to apologize to them. It was my kids who said to me a few years ago. ” mom your the only one who cares about that. You taught us not to be spoiled and materialistic. At least they remembered us.
Maybe this doesn’t bother your child as much as it bothers you. Cause it bothered the daylight out of me. If it really makes you nuts just ask her ” ma, why do you by so and so more gifts”? It could be a. Easy answer. I do for you child all year long or I spend the same dollar amount… Never know until you ask .:)
I cannot figure out why certain people go out of their way to hurt innocent children. Hasn’t that grandmother who favors the absentee niece ever heard of the U.S. mail service????? Why doesn’t she send the girl her gifts on her special days instead of saving them up?????People think of all kinds of things to cause family friction. My husband’s mom used to sew lots of clothes for certain of her grandchildren —-ours generaly got nothing. I finally told her that I was so happy she was clothing the kids who truly needed clothes because our two didn’t need anything. Our kids grew up respecting their grandmother, but had no closeness with her. While I am on the subject of receiving–remember to have your kids say “thank you” in person/by note/or phone call . This is so important because we should be grateful for what others do for us—–no matter how large or small the gift.
I have dealt with favoritism a lot in my life. My cousins and step-cousins were favored over myself and my two siblings for most of our lives. It did hurt, and it created a lot of resentment. However, I am an adult now, and the mother of three. My cousins who were favored a lot never really seemed to get the hang of “doing for themselves” now that we are adults, because they were spoiled so much. I am sure that is not ALWAYS the case, but there you have it. I am not resentful at all anymore, because I realized a while ago that maybe not being given everything was a blessing.
As far as the going back and forth to the different relatives’ homes…I am also a child of divorce. When I was a child, we would end up going to visit 2 homes on Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day was our own. Once I started having children, the juggle became harder since we had to go to HIS family gatherings as well. One year, I said “forget all that” and just went to the big Christmas Eve gathering for my father’s side of the family, and invited everyone over to my home for Christmas Day. My mother and father were both told that if they wanted to have their holiday visit, they needed to come to my home and to just stay in separate rooms if they couldn’t be polite to one another. I was tired of not having a Christmas morning experience that didn’t include rushing everywhere. Now that my marriage has ended, we have it worked out to where I get Christmas Eve – complete with my dad’s side of the family, and my ex gets Christmas Day. If my mother wishes to visit, she can do it on Christmas Eve, or she can walk across the street to my ex’s home and visit on Christmas Day. This doesn’t make EVERYone happy, but it sure makes it easier on the kids. That is what is important to me.
Could I just say that I think Tommienell’s comment about the clothes was brilliant.
Years ago, my sister had two sons, several years apart, with two different dads. She raised them together from birth on a welfare budget and did a fabulous job as a single Mom. The grandmother of the first son (whose father paid no child support) would show up on the weekends and holidays and only take the oldest child for special treats or outings. When that same boy would ask if his younger brother could come along, too, she would loudly respond, “No. That one isn’t mine.” Her biological grandson could not enjoy the outing, a small boy was left at home confused, hurt and crying, and Mom was left with a lot of unnecessary guilt. I can’t help but think how foolish that Grandma was. She could have had two devoted loving grandchildren, and been a positive loving influence in two boys’ lives. There would have been no greater privilege. Her legacy was one of grief and pain. Not all family is based on D.N.A.
Mary Jane –
Your response moved me to tears and gave me something solid I feel I can hold onto when I’m battling feelings of resentment toward my dad, who favors one of his grandchildren. He showers this particular grandchild with everything under the sun (trips several times a year, private school tuition, plus the usual toys and all that). This kid also gets loads of time and attention.
We’ve frequently invited him to spend time with our family and he rarely shows. Or, if he does, he brings the favorite with him. I do love my sister’s child and enjoy spending time with him, but I do resent that my dad seems to place little value on time with my kids and me. My kids are winsome, funny, and generally well-liked children who have never done anything to offend him. Frankly, even if they weren’t so likable, I would expect a grandparent to want a meaningful relationship with all their grandchildren.
I understand favoring the child you know best, but I think an effort to make it so the kids don’t see this is important. My MIL has favorites, but she tries very hard to be fair and build relationships with all of her grandchildren. She’s gotten better at it over time and now that we live in the same time, I appreciate her even more as she really works at engaging and investing in each grandchild. With both of these parents, we’ve been the out-of-state kids/grandkids until recently. I get that they don’t know my kids as well, but my MIL handles it the right way. I’m going to take a lesson from her book if I’m ever fortunate enough to have grandchildren.
I’ve decided to just let it go unless my children begin to notice. They’ll let me know if they do (we’re big talkers) and I’ll keep my antenna on just in case. If my kids do notice, it won’t be too hard to limit interactions because my dad doesn’t seem overly interested anyway. It hurts me a lot, but I’ve decided it’s in my kids’ best interest to have a relationship with him and I’ve resigned to not let them get any negativity from my end.
I don’t know if that will happen since he doesn’t have a lot of time for them, but I feel like I’m doing my part to keep the opportunity available to him. He doesn’t really deserve it, but my kids do. My kids are well loved and have a splendid life. At the end of the day, it’s like you wrote…he is the one who would be foolishly giving away an opportunity.
This is a very hard thing for me. My husband now and I have a child from marriages before and now have one of our own. Well since the beginning of our marriage my daughter was always left out by his mother. I know that my daughter came in to the family after his was born which I understand that his mother would have a relationship with his first child. I also understand that his daughter and mother has a very strong relationship. So my daughter suffered from his mother showing her favoritism. Which to this day she still feels like she isn’t part of My family due to that favoritism. I have had to rebuild my relationship with my daughter due to this, but when we had a daughter of our own that favoritism has not changed. My Beautiful intelligent daughter has suffered already at the age of 8 that she is not part of the family like my other daughter. I have got into number of heated arguments with his mother over her favoritism and the effects it is causing within our family. She States she doesn’t do that. She pays for my husband’s first daughters cell phone which in the last 2 years has broken 7 phones which grandma replaces with no complaints, but last year the younger one had one also broke it and was told she was irresponsible to have one. Then this year his mom opens up a account for his 14 year old and puts money into it when ever she wines about not having something she wants. This Christmas she got the girls the same amount of wrapped gifts then adds extra money into the his older daughter’s account. It goes onto the girls birthdays. His mother make a special trip up to celebrate it with the older one pays for her whole birthday. This is hurting my youngest. I have had to put in to counseling because she keep saying that “we” mean my immediate family would be better off if she was never born. I have tried to talk to my husband about things which he gets passed at me and tells me that he is going to leave it alone and not stop his mother from doing it. I M so lost most of the time with it cause I’m trying to protect my child from the hurt she is going thru from his mother and her sister. Which just rubs it in. There are so many times I just want to divorce my husband and take my daughter with me. Any thoughts or suggestions?
As much as I wish I could answer you in just a few words here problems like you are having has many aspects to it and years of things getting messed up. First even though I think your MIL is wrong and I understand exactly what is happening these things if dealt with properly don’t need to destroy a marriage or the relationship between a mother and daughter. There are way more things involved here then your MIL because you are focusing so much on her you are not looking more at the things that are happening between your husband and you and your daughter and you. All your reaction to what your MIL is doing will effect your daughter. If you don’t make a big deal out of it (even if it is) your daughter won’t make a big deal out of it. I know personal family members who are dealing with the same thing and their kids made it to late teen years before they even gave what the grandparents were doing a thought because of the positive way the parents handled it. Even now that they know what is happening it is no big deal to them because of once again the good attitude their parents had.
Part of the problem too is you and your husband are not on the same page with this which too will cause more of a problem with your daughter then your MIL. If you and your husband can’t be united in this it makes me wonder if there are many other things happening between you. I think you and your husband need the counseling more probably then your daughter. In most cases kids can handle many stressful situations if they feel loved at home and mom and dad are on the same page. Chaos happens on all fronts when mom and dad aren’t on the same page. It is easier to blame your MIL for everything that is happening in your family then to look at yourself and your husband because you don’t really love her but you love your husband. It is always easy to put the blame on the in laws because we aren’t as close to them. Not that I am saying she is not to blame and is totally wrong in what she is doing but you will always have outside forces attacking your family and you can fight them if you and your husband are united.
First how does the parents of your older child treat the younger one from your current husband? I don’t believe any child should be hurt this way fact is there is another parent and grandparents of the older child not related to the younger child.
Ugh! Traveling from one climate to another only to be ignored by family members made me put my foot down. It’s too expensive to sit there and be treated as if no one cares if you made the trip or not.
My grandmother bought me an oversized baby doll that was a different ethnicity from us. That was my Christmas gift while my cousins (two years older) received electronic toys. My parents told me to still be thankful for the gift but it was painfully obvious that my grandmother treated me differently. My other grandmother found out and made sure that I got something from my wish list each year.
My husband played favorites with his daughter over my son when we blended our families together – blaming my son for things that were clearly the fault of his daughter. It was hell, but they’re grown now and we’ve been married 27 years. BUT now his grown daughter has three children of her own – the first being one who is constantly doing things for attention (stealing, undermining others, etc…) and my husband is so defensive that he won’t allow him to take any responsibility for his actions. The main problem lies in that my husband and I had another child together later in life who is now 13, with my husband’s oldest grandson now being 10, and my husband constantly blames our son for things that are instigated and clearly the fault of the grandchild. It’s like I’m watching the situation with our older children all over again between our own son and the grandson. It’s starting to affect our son and it’s heartbreaking. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Boy Jackie I really wish I could give you advice with 1,2,3 steps to help you but you have many many years of really poor behavior on your husband’s, children’s and even your own part. I say your part too because often the person who allows this behavior and problems to go on for years has a whole set of their own behavior problems for allowing it to keep going and not nipping it in the bud right away. I really feel the main thing that would help you is to go in for counseling with a pastor or someone and if your husband won’t go with you then go by yourself because that still can help you quite a bit.
Ours is not a problem of equality in material gifts. It’s more an issue with being proud of our daughter. Here is what I mean.
My Mother-in-Law is not tech savvy. So, periodically, she will have me clean out her AOL account – contacts, old emails, download attachments, etc. When I do this, unfortunately, I have to review the emails I’m about to delete. What I have found in this task is alarming. When people email her and say, “How is your family doing?”, my MIL invariably responds with information about my niece and nephew (twins), and rarely, if ever, mentions my daughter. She will go on about how J and B graduated from high school, or how B had a concert, or J is announcing at the next baseball game …. stuff like that.
Sometimes, if I do a family email, I get a response that they had forgotten about my daughter because they rarely hear about her.
Additionally, when my MIL comes to stay with us (usually for two weeks at a time) she spends the entire time talking about my niece and nephew, or worse yet, on the phone with them or their mother – ignoring my daughter.
I have tried addressing this with her, to no avail. I just don’t know what to do about it. My daughter is now 14 and has been noticing the favoritism for a few years now. It breaks her heart. I just don’t know what to do.
Once again without knowing the whole situation and all of the ins and outs it is hard but I will give you a few things to think about that may or may not work for you. First of all I would stop cleaning out your MIL’s AOL account. Every time you do I am sure it makes you angry. If anything causes you to have negative feelings or feel and do things that are wrong (like causing anger, bitterness, envy) you need to stop doing them. Don’t make a big deal of it just simple say I can’t do it or have your husband or some other family member do it. What ever it takes you need to stop it. If you allow yourself to keep getting upset over it you are doing something just as wrong as your mother in law is. So take care of your part first.
Next is going to be the harder part and you need to lovingly talk with your husband and then you, your husband and daughter need to talk things over. Find out what they feel about it (don’t become defensive or mad, just listen). Does it upset them? Does your husband see it and support you too. How much is it hurting your daughter? I don’t have the answers to these questions but they will make a difference in your decision.
You will need your husband’s support all the way for sure. But here is something else to think about. I am a firm believer in families (even extended ones) working things out, supporting each other, over looking things and forgiving and forgiving but at the same time I know from experience that is not always easy and often you need to separate or limit contact with family members if there is continual hurting going on. In the same way you would not put up with your MIL physically abusing your daughter you should not put up with her emotionally abusing her.
This doesn’t not mean that you need never speak to her again or something that drastic. First I would talk to her about it (which you said you did already). You need your husband to really do this and I have a feeling he may not do it or is turning a blind eye otherwise he would have done something about it long before this. No matter what, after trying to talk to her, I would then back way off in contact and you volunteering to do things with her. Stop helping her with her computer, keep the visits to a minimum (maybe only holidays), you don’t need to invite her to all your daughter’s school activities. Find another adult who does love your daughter and would not mind going to them.
What ever you do don’t talk unkindly about your MIL in front of your daughter and try to do the same with your husband because it is his mother and you would be forcing him to become defensive. Just try to explain how much it hurts you and your daughter. The main thing at first is for you to stop setting you and your daughter up for hurt and start slowly backing away. If things get worse then you may have to seriously consider breaking ties although your daughter is old enough now that I would get her opinion on what she wants. I found with my in laws when my kids were her age they saw what was going on with them and I started backing away letting them make the decision whether or not they wanted to keep up a relationship with their grandparents. I left it in their hands and let them choose to go visit or not etc. I didn’t push one way or another.
The main thing is for you to be careful in your attitude. Kids will react to things the way parents do and some things may not bother them as much as it does you. Trust me it is your MIL who is going to end up loosing in this situation – if not now, sometime in the future. My heart breaks because there are many grandparents who do not know the joy they are missing out on by not equally embracing all of their grand kids.
At this stage in the game though in one sense it is almost to late. The damage to your daughter’s relationship with her grandmother has already been done. In a just 4 years she will be on her own and she will then either not have anything to do with her or just give her “token” visits once in awhile. It will be out of your hands.
I hope someone can provide me with some advice please. My brother and sister in law play favorites with my nephew (9 years) and niece (7 years) and it just breaks my heart. They are extremely strict with my nephew and have been like that with him since he was born. But with my niece they are very lenient and partial. I have seen far too many instances of this personally and so have other family members and close family friends who have shared these same thoughts with me. Both of them are good, decent people and work hard and I really love them both and don’t doubt their love for their children. As much as I know how inappropriate it is to criticize or comment on someone else’s parenting style, I could not stop myself from bringing up this topic with them but I was sacred of their reaction and did not really address this seriously. It’s just something everyone immediately picks up on while spending time with them, but no one says anything because of trying to be polite, diplomatic, and not overstepping the line. Well this is breaking my heart. In front of my eyes, I have seen my nephew’s personality gradually change, from a sunny, loving, affectionate, outgoing boy to someone very irritable, very low on emotional display and I feel he is also sad inside. While this could all be part of natural growing and change of personality, because I know this constant harshness and partiality is happening, I cannot help but think that such treatment has also contributed to how his personality had changed and continues to change.
They are so demanding and hard on him be it their expectations from him on school grades or proper behavior. Even when he was a baby, they would expect him to be disciplined and behave well as though he were a much older child or a grown up; and when my niece would literally do the same things that my nephew used to do that earned him time outs, and shouting, and very often a slap or spanking or boxing of the ear, but with my niece they are like amazing, relaxed, understanding parents saying things like she’s a child or just laughing off the silly things she does – as children tend to do. I am happy to see them being like this to my niece but their imbalanced behavior to my nephew continues. I have seen my niece being sneaky and instigating fights with my nephew – this is all part of siblings relationships and not a big deal – but the reaction of the parents makes me SOOOO mad because they immediately assume that my nephew is the one at fault and believe my niece completely when she complains about my nephew for something she herself started. I can go on and on. It hurts me inside that I am not standing up for my nephew for something that I feel will have a long-term bad effect on him. I used to babysit him many a time from such a young age, feed him, take care of him when he was unwell just as I have done for all my other nephews and nieces. But with this little boy it’s something special because I see the unfairness and the partiality and the unnecessary harshness. I feel the family members who have observed all of this and agree to it in private are seriously letting down my poor dear nephew as am I. And yet I am very aware of how much I am crossing the line and saying things no parent would appreciate by criticizing them. That fear keeps me quiet but I am suffering so much I feel so sad thinking is this something I could change/stop/prevent and how I see my nephew just diminishing in his confidence but I am helpless.
Let me reiterate, both parents are very good, kind human beings, they have helped me so much in my life, and I truly do love and care for them, I would sacrifice my own happiness to see their family is happy. They work very hard, provide the children all material comforts, they try their best to spend time with them, do things together, the kids have the best of toys, leisure activities, holidays etc. These are not even remotely like the abusive, criminal parents we sadly all too often come across on the news. But this side of their behavior and personality just breaks me. Is there anything I can do in this situation. I know people will find this interfering behavior and I agree. But I just love that kid so much, I love all of them but it’s only this nephew who is facing such behavior every day behind closed doors or out in public. Please help me…many times when I am alone I am filled with sadness and feel like a loser that I am letting my nephew down with respect to this which I feel is something big which if not now then later in life will have a negative effect on him. If the response is to say I must mind my own business and not be so judgmental and interfering and a busy body then yes I agree I am all those terrible things. But having said that, please is there anything that can be done to make the situation better for my nephew.
Boy this is a really hard one to answer and I am not really sure I have an answer but maybe one of our viewers has some advice for you too to help. I do not think you are being a busybody or judgmental at all. I can tell you really really are concerned. It is a very tough situation to be in -to watch someone you love being hurt and your hands are tied on being able to help. I have been through this exact same thing myself almost word for word so I really do know what you are going through. I have now seen the children of that situation grown and literally all hell is breaking loose. It is so sad.
There are certain situations that your hands are really tied I am afraid. But that being said there are a few things you might try doing. I don’t know which ones might work for you and your family so you will need to pick and choose. First if your relationship with your brother is such that you can talk with him easily then I would maybe try to very gently talk to him, starting out with how much you love them all and it hurts you so much to even say anything. He may be angry but he will be able to sense that you did it in love eventually if you have the type of relationship where you can talk. From your post I can tell you love your brother but opening up is maybe hard so this may not work.
It doesn’t seem like much but sometimes in a situation like this the only thing you can do is to be there to pick up the pieces when you can. If you see your nephew is hurt from something take him by himself and play a game, go for a bike ride, walk or just sit and eat some cookies and visit with him. Just for him to see some one cares, understands, and thinks he is important, can help some in him helping deal with the negative in his life. Champion him when you can. For example I was in a situation where all the adults were making a big deal out of the toddler and I could tell the older sister was feeling bad about being left out so I called her over and started talking to her about her cute outfit, her doll etc. I have a feeling you do that already but just keep it up. You may not see any results now but believe me it is making a difference.
There is one thing that I would do for sure and that is if you know or have seen your niece do something wrong and your nephew gets in trouble for it I would ask your brother if you could speak with him alone and gently point out that you saw or knew what really happened. Give him the facts and pray that he will be man enough to apologize to your nephew if he has already has gotten on to him. Try to speak up when you can (of course not in an accusing way) and let them know of the real details of things. I know this could be hard.
The main thing is to spend as much time with your nephew (sounds like you are already doing a great job at this) encouraging him and being understanding. He needs a shelter from the storm and you can provide that. The thing is if you go to your brother and his wive with both both barrels blazing you could alienate them and then the one support your nephew has will be taken away. See I do understand you are walking a tightrope here and it is hard. I don’t know if you are a Christian or not but if you are there are some things that only God can intervene with and if you ask for and trust Him for help you would be amazed at the way He works sometimes.
I know this is not easy and I wish I had more of a 1,2,3 answer for you and I do understand how heart breaking it is. His teen years are just ahead and that is usually when everything breaks loose and come to a head. Just do the best you can to be there for him and let him know you are his support.
I REALLY need guidance and help!!! My husband, whom I have been with since 2001 but we were separated for a time in the early part of 2002 and I got pregnant. He signed that son’s birth certificate and has always raised him as his own knowing he wasn’t his biological father but he was his dad in every way that counts. I also have 2 older sons who are 24 & 21. My 21 year old has a genetic disorder and has to live with us and my 24 year old has had several injuries both at work and in a car wreck and he has not been able to get back to work yet. We also have a 16 year old son. So our boys are 16, 17, 21, & 24. My husband also has a 26 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he didn’t have contact with until she turned 18 because he was an alcoholic until our youngest son was born.
My issue is that my husband will bend over backwards to do for our youngest son. Takes off work to take him places, let’s him drive his truck, takes money from MY bank account to put in our 16yr/olds acct. but the. complains when one of the others needs something. We are not allowed to drive his truck at all. When I have an appointment I feel like I’m breaking a rule by needing a ride. I am now disabled but when I worked I paid all the bills and my car payment and I do t know what he did. When I had to stop working he refused to pay my car payment. He acts like the sun rises and sets on my youngest son and the rest of us don’t really exist. What do I do? I am almost scared to get my back pay on my social security because I’m afraid he will take one. He really did take money out of mine and my 21 year old’s account we have for his disability. I don’t want to get a divorce but I’m really tired of the rest of us being last in the world. His daughter is even at the bottom of the list….. any help will be GREATLY APPRECIATED
Kim comments like these I really can’t answer properly because there is no way I can really have the full story on a situation with just a couple of paragraphs plus it is totally different talking to people in person to try to help,than just through a comment. I will give you a couple of things to do and/or think about. First read what you wrote to me with an open mind and as if you were a stranger reading it. What would YOU tell the woman who wrote it to do. Sometimes we know the answer but we just don’t want to see it or do it but want someone else to do it for us.
Next we can’t control other people and their actions or make them change so I suggest you look at yourself and your part in the situation and how you can change yourself or the situation. I say this because often we don’t realize we are allowing things to happen and this sounds like it has been going on for many years and is just a way of life for your family. It is an abusive (maybe not physical)situation to not only you but your kids too. You are allowing these things to happen. If you don’t want him to keep doing these things than lovingly talk to him about it. If you can’t do this then you have major marital problems that need to be fixed. Then you both need to change things, him to stop doing it and you to stop allowing it. You both are contributing to the whole thing. If he isn’t willing to stop than that means you will have to step out and take action like leaving, protecting your children from emotional abuse, your money etc. You can’t just stay curled up in an emotional fetal position and feeling sorry for yourself. If nothing else do it for your children. Most moms would do anything to protect their children from physical harm but often allow them to staying in really bad emotional situations that can do even more damage and often damage they will never recover from.
It isn’t hopeless. I don’t know if you believe in God and follow Jesus but your first step needs to be turning to him for help. You also need to find some really good counseling to help you. Seek out a pastor, help line, family member or something. The main thing is to stop being frightened and make some logical, practical decision on things you can change. You need the change to start with you. Not in a mean angry way but with honestly looking at yourself then move on from there.
I’m a grandmother and I’m going thru the samething with her. She has favoritism. She treats my oldest grandson his 4yrs bad and it breaks my heart. I cry when I see it and we have argue cause of that. I can’t make her understand that both are her kids and she has to treat them the same that I never did that with her and her older sister. Sometimes I just want to tell her if she doesn’t want him that I can take care of him if his to much for her to love him .😢
Jill, I finished a long day at work today, came home with my head full of office-related stuff, logged into my personal computer, instinctively scrolling to click on this link with no expectation to find a response, and just as I started to read your thoughtful, kind response, this loud moan/sob/I-don’t-know-what escaped from me. From the bottom of my heart I thank you for your kindness in taking the time to reply to a stranger and I wish that God abundantly blesses you and yours. As for what you wrote, thank you for sharing that information and those details. Unfortunately, as much as the love is there between us siblings and we talk freely about many, many things, we’re not very demonstrative of that affection (definitely not physically) and to a great degree there are many reservations about things – people get worked up very quickly, are sensitive, and there are some lines not meant to be crossed. I have tried broaching this topic delicately in the past, but from a scenario where my brother once many years ago confessed to me (I did not bring up the topic, he himself did) that he realizes he is hard on my nephew and needs to learn to be more patient (this is when my nephew was not even 3 years old!) to a scenario now where I don’t think he or my sister in law would ever admit to anything being wrong, leave alone admit to being partial or playing favorites. So except for it descending into a war of words and hurt and anger, I don’t see any scenario where they would welcome such opinions from me and might even get mad enough to ignore me completely.
It’s funny to me where the lines between what’s okay and what’s intrusive are drawn because they entrust 100% care of their children to siblings if they are caught up with office work or some such thing, and yet when the person taking that much care of their children voices some opinion like this, it is looked upon as not okay and interference. Therefore you end up being so attached and involved in the well being of the child and yet cannot express anything when you see something constantly being done that is so hurtful to the child.
As for being there for my nephew, unfortunately I do not live very close to them and so all interaction is via the parents and it’s not easy. I wish the scenarios you described could really happen, but the reality is that it will be highly unlikely and that just adds to my distress not to mention the distress of the only person whose well being truly matters in this i.e. my nephew. I keep torturing my mind with his sweet little face, how he used to be, how I can see his personality changing (as I said earlier both from natural growing up process but heavily influenced by this harsh and unfair treatment towards him), how he told me once that his parents had spanked him, how he now just shouts “but that’s not fair” and tenses his whole body up in anger, and frustration, and total helplessness as they mete out one of their completely one-sided, illogical, unfair “punishments”.
I think I may need psychiatric help at this point – does anybody get this sensitive and hurt about something going on in another’s life even if that other is a dear little child? I don’t know. I only know that that’s where I am, and it’s doing me no good. I can just be carrying on with my day with no sad thoughts, and suddenly I will think of this, think if he is going through some pain, and that’s enough to set me crying and feeling guilty at how I am doing nothing for him and letting him down. I know all this may seem exaggerated and probably my mindset is making me emphasize all this so much because in so many other ways they are both such good parents. I mean we hear of monsters who abuse and murder their own children. And how many poor children have nothing at all in this world, they are born into poverty and they die in poverty. So in a world like that, I have no right to criticize such good people. But the fact remains that there is this side to their behavior and one that has been observed by others and not just in my imagination.
Like you correctly said I guess there is no 1, 2,3 answer to this (oh how I wish there were!). More than my hurt feelings I just wish I could protect my nephew and shield him from this hurt. The world itself can be cruel, he might face bullying in school, peer pressure, stress from teachers, just all the regular pains and hurts that go along with growing up – shouldn’t the home at least be a place of complete acceptance, and safety, and understanding. But from the time he is back at home to the time he is off to school again I know from experience that the time in between is filled with these regular put downs from his parents, and not to mention the strict disciplining regarding school work, home work, behavior and on and on and on it goes…There is a qualifying exam required for almost every job under the sun – but no qualifications are required for being a parent! When that is one of the most important jobs in the world!
I am not a Christian and not religious at all but I believe in God. No God from any religion but my own inner voice speaks to some power/being who I believe is God. I actually resect the views of atheists and agnostics as well but for me, in my life, the belief that there is a God keeps me going. And so yes, to that God I do pray for peace and blessings…for my nephew as well as for everybody.
I hope the situation changes and I can be there for my nephew in the ways that you described. Most of all I hope the situation changes and the parents realize and rectify their mistakes before it is too late.
I think I have rambled on enough. Sorry for making you my couch therapist! I thank you again for your kindness and maturity and thoughtfulness and goodness, all reflected in your response. It has meant so much to me to express these feelings and feel like they have been heard. You could have responded saying I am cray cray and over dramatic, but I treasure the measured and understanding way in which you responded. May God bless you!
How do you get out of hosting Christmas Dinner for step children and their families? My husband insists that we host a big dinner for Christmas, or all other occassions, for his children and their families. The step-kids are boys 34 and 40 years old. The youngest one is married and has 3 children ages 12,3 and 1. I have made a big dinner for every celebration or occassion for the past 30 years that we have been married. I have done all the holidays, confirmations, graduations, hosted a wedding in our back yard, done a baptism and hosted 2 welcome home parties for my step-son when he came back from deployment. My husbands ex and my step-sons wife are always willing to attend but never offer to help or to host. I am 71 years old and I think it is time for someone else to do it. But how do I get out of it? My husband gets angry if I even suggest that I’m not going to have it this year and will not hear of it. I have suggested potluck to no avail, nobody brings anything or claims they forgot or they were too busy. The steps are ok but they never give us a Christmas gift, they do give their mom and step dad one though. I waited 30 years to get them out of the house so we could enjoy ourselves and travel. I am not a baby person and I do not care for small children and parents that think everything their kids do is so cute. I’m not the grandmother type. I want to go somewhere that will let me enjoy Christmas just one time and not have to do all the work!!
Well this is not easy to answer because I can tell there is years of resentment and angry all the way around from not dealing with this a long time ago. First of all so you won’t feel bad I stopped doing big family dinners and things when I turned 55. My kids had bigger homes than I did and there was no reason why they shouldn’t take turns doing the family get togethers. They had children at this point which could clean the house and fix the meal compared to me by myself doing it. Plus it was a family dinner which means all the family pitched in and helped and brought the food. To be honest there isn’t much I can do to help you unless you are willing to stand up to your husband and just say no I am not doing it this year. If he gets that angry with you and won’t listen then the bottom line is he doesn’t love you more that his kids and that is wrong. This means you need marital counseling even more than who is going to fix the family dinners. You have allowed them all these years to do this to you and to put up with it and only you can say no and stop it. They will have a complete fit and be so mad but if they care about you they will get over it. If they don’t then I am not sure but that I would rather be on my own a bit until you can get your marriage worked out. You are allowing yourself to be intimindated by them and to walk all over you. You are the only one who can stop that. You have a choice – you can keep making the meals with no help but you will have to stop complaining about it or you can say I am not doing another meal and if they get mad that is their problem because it is not your responsibility if they react in a bad way. They are responsible for their emotions not you. Personally I would take myself off to a nice motel and eat out by myself on Christmas day. If nothing else it would shock them and let them know you mean business. But seriously if you can’t tell them no you need counseling because you have allowed this to go on too many yrs – they are using you. It isn’t all their fault because you are allowing it to happen. The choice is yours.