How can you get your life back when adult children won’t leave home? It can be difficult, but if you deal with it now, things will be better for everyone!
How To Handle It When Adult Children Won’t Leave Home
Readers Question:
My husband and I have always been good stewards of our money. Somehow, we raised a daughter that is not and it breaks my heart. She is now well into her 20′s and is in debt up to her eyeballs. She refuses to get a job in a restaurant or even her trade which is hair dressing. She basically lives on her child support and her dad and I have to help pay her bills as we are on one of her loans as co-signers.
How do we get her on the right track and help her start being responsible short of kicking her and our grandchild out of the house and turning our backs on her? I just don’t know how to motivate her to start taking responsibility… I’m hoping you have some suggestions.
Jill: First, we are imperfect parents raising imperfect kids in an imperfect world. In other words, we all struggle with something. I say this so you won’t think I am judging you or your situation. I am only trying to get you to look at things in a different way, to look at things honestly and to see what your options are.
Second, you are not alone wondering what to do when adult children won’t leave home. This is probably one of the top 5 questions I get asked. Adult kids staying at home is alarmingly on the rise. Just last night I was talking to a woman who was telling me about her 55 year old brother who still is not working and is living at home. This is more common than you think, but that doesn’t make it right.
None of my suggestions will be easy. When your daughter was young, you undoubtedly had to say no to her at times about something because you knew it was for her own good. In the same way, you may have to do some uncomfortable things for her own good now. It hurts to do that but you have to love her enough to be willing to endure that hurt unselfishly so she can learn to take care of herself.
Most likely, the hardest part about your situation is that you don’t want to see your grandchild suffer. Your daughter is an adult. Even though you don’t want your daughter to struggle, you probably would not have as many qualms about forcing her out on her own if she was alone. Grandbabies do complicate things and you will have to use your own judgement when reflecting on the things I will suggest. I do realize it will be hard.
Often, the only thing that will motivate someone when adult children won’t leave home is for them to be forced to make it on their own. Until they have the rug pulled out from under them, they will not change. Why would they? They know you will bail them out so, if it’s a little difficult to do something else, why should they bother to help themselves? She also knows that you wouldn’t want to throw out your grandchild or mess up your credit over the loan you co-signed. In a way, she has you over a barrel. She may not even consciously know that is what she is doing but that is what it boils down to.
Here are your choices for handling cases where adult children won’t leave home:
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Be responsible for the loan you co-signed and nothing more, if push comes to shove. From this point forward, never ever co-sign a loan with anyone, including your children–especially your children. The only time I would consider that is if I was prepared to pay the entire loan without complaining or getting upset. In rare cases where you know your kids are extremely responsible, you might consider giving them a loan, but you should be prepared to treat it as a gift if they don’t pay.
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You can tell her she can stay with you for a small monthly fee to cover some of the costs related to her living there. She also has to pay all of her other bills on her own. The monthly fee she pays you should be the first thing that comes out of her child support check, not something she pays you if there is any money left over after she pays her other bills. If her support check is small, it wouldn’t hurt for her to sign it all over to you. That way you can use it for her “rent” and then use what is left to buy clothes and provide for the needs of your grandchild. That way, her daughter is covered and both have a place to live, but your daughter gets nothing from it at all for her own personal needs or wants. The money is, after all, “child” support. Of course, this would also include the understanding that she is working towards getting a job and eventually moving out.
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Tell her she has 4-6 weeks to get a job and to be moved out (You can choose your own amount of time. Just don’t make it too long and make sure it has a specific deadline). At the end of that time, if she won’t move, you have her belongings sitting on the front porch and the doors locked. This will be the hardest thing of all to do but if the other things don’t work you may have to break down and do it. I know this would be awful to have to do and would take a lot of strength but this is the part where loving her more than your own hurt and pain comes in.
After the deadline expires, if your daughter can’t take care of her child and herself, you can tell her you will keep your grandchild until she gets on her feet. If, after a week or two, the situation seems very bad and she hasn’t done anything to help herself you may have to file for some type of temporary custody. I personally wouldn’t do this right away and I would only do it as a last resort if I thought my grandchild was in serious danger.
If you don’t want to kick them out, I would at least make sure you don’t give her any more money at all. If you think you must, you can feed them and provide a roof for them but don’t pay any of her bills or give her a penny for anything, except what you need to pay on the co-signed loan to keep your credit ok.
I’m afraid this is one of those life lessons with consequences. You will have to pay the loan you co-signed. You know your situation better than I do so you will have to consider all of these options and decide for yourself what you should do. You might want to start at step 1 or, if it is bad enough, you might have to start at step 3.
Whatever you decide, you and your husband must both stand firm together no matter what. Don’t take this lightly and don’t be a party to emotional blackmail. That is exactly what is happening here and, like any blackmail, it will drain you completely before long. I’m not saying that your daughter is an awful person. She probably isn’t at all. She is simply irresponsible but she won’t become responsible until someone does something to make her take responsibility. Unfortunately, it sounds like you and your husband will have to be the ones to do it.
Being responsible is hard and it is work. There is no getting around it so you’ll have to choose now what you are going to do. If you don’t act because you think it is too hard, realize that, in a way, it is the same thing your daughter is doing. She isn’t acting to change her situation because it is too difficult and uncomfortable for her to try to work. If you don’t act to correct your situation, it is because it is too hard and uncomfortable too.
Be careful. If you don’t act now, you may need to plan on supporting her, her children and someday maybe a husband for the rest of their lives, just like the parents of the 55 year old man I mentioned at first. Adult children living at home and chronically depending on mom and dad generally don’t change unless they’re forced to do so.
Like with so many relationship issues, solving this problem is a 2 way street. Both parties are afraid to do anything because it is uncomfortable and difficult to do. You, being the oldest and wisest adult here, need to be the one to do something– no matter how painful it is.
One last note: You and your husband must be on the same page about your decision about how to motivate your daughter to leave home. If you’re not in agreement, it will not work at all.
-Jill
Here are some related stories where parents are struggling with similar issues related to their grown children:
Adult Child Living at Home But Not Working
Daughters’ Financial Emergencies Cause Financial Strain
Photo By: stephen bowler
Excelllent, excellent advice….as you always give ! Thanks for your wisdom.
If your child was a drug addict or an alcoholic you’d not supply their fix, yet you hand out money like candy when she’s addicted to financial irresponsibility. Stop! Move, if you have to into a one room apartment until she stands on her own two feet. She’s not stupid, she’s using you. Wake up and let her grow up. You’re doing her a disservice, bless your heart!
My 21 year old daughter has taken over my life. She will not leave . She has never paid me one penny . I buy all the food. She got a huge dog, I buy all of his food and puppy pads, I’m not allowed to have her dog here, she says ” to f#@*ing bad you stupid b#@*ch”. . I do her laundry at a laundry mat . I walk her clothes to the mat and wash dry fold and walk them back. I pay her phone bill .her dog is a nuisance . He’s huge. She won’t leave. . I am beside myself.. the way she talks to me is so disgusting . And just plain wrong. She threatens to make me loose my housing . For what reason? I do what I do for her out of pure love. She uses that against me.. I have never been talked to like this in my whole life..I’m not an insecure woman who believes I deserve to be treated like this..I am a quiet, private person . My life has been literally taken over and controlled by this disrespectful punk.. I need her to get out of here . .. feeling out of control of my life. It’s a terrible feeling.. I explained to her that she can’t speak to someone who supports her in such a filthy way , let alone her mother …I’m so insulted .. everyday I stay locked in my room .. she threatens to get me while I’m sleeping. She hopes I die… I do not date . I am very choosy about who I hang around . This kid is ruining my life.. she can’t say thank you for what you’ve done for me..instead she says. I swear to God you restarted *** your gonna loose everything. What can I do to end this abuse ?
Well this isn’t your daughter’s fault this is your fault. Why are you doing all this stuff for her? She is an adult and that is NOT love! If my adult children treated me that way the next time they leave the house the locks would be changed and their stuff on the sidewalk and the dog at the pound.
If they said you can’t evict her then I would move and not allow her to move in with me.
You are the one allowing and enabling this behavior. It will stop when you stop. This is not love.
Omg this is my daughter exactly, the more I read the more I felt like I wrote it. I’m so sorry bc I know ur pain, helpless is what I call it.
I ache for the parents of that child. It will not be easy, but they MUST follow your instructions. I made the mistake of co-signing for two of my adult children’s loans. It ruined our credit, and it failed to help our children become self-sufficient. It was only when I said “NO!” in no uncertain terms that they began to grow up.
But I also had to tell my daughter that if she couldn’t meet her bills and lost her apartment as a result, I would get the children and keep them safe until she did get on her feet, but I would not have my grandchildren living out of a car.
She has been more self-sufficient since then.
Although much later she did complain to me that she wasn’t making enough money. By this time her children were grown and had their own places. So I reminded her that she made more than her younger sister who had two children still at home, and suggested that it was mismanagement not money that might be the problem. It was a much gentler “no” but by that time she knew I meant it.
We are going through the very same thing with our soon-to-be 21 year old son. He was staying up all night playing video games and sleeping all day. He moved out for about 6 months and realized he couldn’t make it. He moved back home but with a different arrangement. He did get a job, a low-paying job and only works about 10 hours a week, but it is something. He now pays rent and his cell phone. I do not buy any “special” food or drinks. His rent does cover being able to eat at home, but only what I have on hand or make for the family. He now rides his bike to and from work, no more rides. He does his own laundry, and many times just picks up his clothes off the bedroom floor to wear. I turn off my router at night so he’s not up all night playing video games. In other words, we are not making it comfortable for him to stay here and trying to make him responsible for his own life and choices. As parents, we had to step away and allow him to make mistakes and fail. We cannot keep covering him and protecting him any longer. That is not what you do to adults. He tries to guilt us but we don’t buy into it anymore. I would say tough love is the only answer in these cases. It’s not easy but in the long run it will produce what you desire for your child, to hopefully be a responsible mature adult. There are many tears, anger and many many prayers on your knees through this process. We as parents have to be 1 step above where our kids are and to win this battle, you have to be tough and don’t give an inch because they will take it and more. I truly believe they will thank us for being tough but will be kicking all the way there!!
I have a very simular situation with our almost 20 year old grandson. We have raised him since 5 years old, his mother was on drugs and lost custody. He is basically a good kid, high school athlete and graduate, works part time, pays for his car (for which we co-signed), cell phone and insurance. The problem is he is so lazy he contributes nothing to our household whatsoever, never offers to help us with anything financially or chores. His day litterly consist of getting up at noon, meeting the high school age girlfriend for lunch, comes back home plays video games until schools out, goes back and hangs out with her until 10:00 p.m., plays video games half the night on non-work nights and repeats it all again the next day. On days he works 4 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. (4 days per week) “the job he is now quitting after 3 months for new job with same hrs, same pay, and a further distance from home”, he gets off work, comes home, plays video games until schools out, then resumes the rest of his usual routine. He has gone through 8 jobs since he was 16. He works for about 3 months or less then finds a dozen excuses why he hates the job and then goes after another one that’s not any better than the last. In all this time he has not saved one thin dime even though we constantly council him to do so. After 40 years of raising kids I am so tired I just want to be done! I wish I could find a solution for this situation that would produce a good outcome for both of us.
Anne being a grandma I know how hard it would be if this were my grandson and have always tried to be very gentle in my answers to this kind of question but have found out doing that has not always helped. No more than you being kind and understanding has “not” helped your grandson so here it goes. You will not want to hear this but you are the ones causing this behavior. It is not all your grandson’s fault. You allow him to live in your home doing this, feeding him, sheltering him and providing for his needs. He is really pretty smart because he has a good thing going here and is milking it for all he is worth.
Nothing at all will change until you tell him he has 30 days to find a place of his own and start supporting himself. You would be surprised how well they do when they are forced to get out on their own. You must realize that you are doing your grandson a grave injustice and not helping him but hindering him by not allowing him to grow up and to stand on his own 2 feet. Because of his mom you probably feel extra sorry and protective of him but the reality is all of us have had something awful or harsh happen in our life and by treating him as a child he will never learn to deal with things in life and move on. You are keeping him from becoming a strong, responsible, confident young man and that is wrong on so many levels. You or your husband wouldn’t dream of doing the same thing would you? Of course not! So why do you keep allowing your grandson who is an adult man to do the same thing. Another thing is other people will have no respect for him- you are his grandmother and it is hard for you to respect him- so you are setting him up to be hurt even more.
I am afraid all of this lies on your shoulders even though you meant well it is wrong in allowing this all to happen. You have the solution, now it is just a matter of do you love your grandson enough to do it because it maybe uncomfortable to you to watch what he has to do as a grown up but you need to be brave and love him enough to let him go – even if he falls at first.
My 30 year old daughter and my two young grandchildren AND every second week a step sister live at my place rent free and pay no bills.l have had to leave as my daughter is a bully and has abused me everytime she is homeless again.She does not work (can’t remember when she ever did) l have also been giving/paying money towards her needs.Nothing l have is ever good enough and have spent quite a lot of money to make her comfortable in my home,lm 68 and retired so lm using my savings on her and children which has to stop,at moment lm leaving in a van in my son’s driveway as she has started physically hurting me again.I understand that finding a rental is very difficult for her and she did try but nothing happened due to her past history,what can l do NOTHING
Ruth I don’t know the full story on so many of these comments so I really hate to say anything but there is probably more that you can do than you think. You are responding to this situation the way many abusive wives respond to their husband’s abuse. You need to go get counseling from pastor, women’s shelter or hotline. If nothing else you can call the police and they can give you telephone numbers and things of where to find help in your town. There is a lot you can do you just need to do it. Your daughter is in many ways copying you – she is not bothering to do anything about her situation to fix it or change it and neither are you. You are enabling her in so many ways and making things worse. Start calling and find help if not for yourself then do it for your grandchildren because if she is doing things to you you had better believe she will start doing things to her kids and at the very least hurting them emotionally. Don’t pin it all on your daughter. You need to step up to the plate and do what you can to stop it. I am glad to hear you have at least moved out so keep the ball rolling.
Sounds like my daughter is your daughter. And I need help too getting her out.
Call Senior Services this is elder abuse and they will contact a advocate that will help you. Elder abuse or abuse of any kind is against the law. Shame on your daughter for treating you that way.
I have a 40 yr old and her pregnant 22 yr old. I have kept her for 4 months. I work full time plus more hrs. I had cancer and was on a chemo drug 10 yrs. I have her 3 cats as well. I do it all because she is lazy! This not the first time she came home but it will be the last!She has no concern about me!Lights and tv on including air even when she sleeps! My bones hurt constantly/ When I tell her its time to find a house, Im a terrible mother! I cannot take it anymore!
Dorreen I have been seeing this happen over and over and have come to the conclusion that it is equally the parents fault for putting up with it. I hate to sound hard hearted but it is getting crazy how many parents are putting up with these situations and are being just as irresponsible as their kids by putting up with these behavior and not doing anything about it. They are only getting by with it and doing it because you aren’t telling them no you can’t stay. The parents act as if they have no control over the situation at all.
I don’t care how hard and painful it is to do I would not put up with this behavior from my kids if for no other reason than I would be failing as a parent in teaching them how to respect me. The Bible says kids are to honor and respect their parents and as parents we need to teach them to respect ourselves and others. By allowing them to get by with this type of behavior you aren’t doing this. They are getting by with emotional black mail when they say you are a terrible mother when you tell them to leave and that is wrong on so many levels. Many parents let their kids live in these situations because they don’t want their children to not like them or be mad at them but if an adult child tells her mother she is a terrible mother there is already a really bad relationship going on. That probably is what the root problem is in most of these cases but everyone is afraid to look at it or face it. It is easier to concentrate on the physical things happening (like the lights and tv) than it is the real problem. I hope you follow through and have her leave because the chances are pretty good until you do that you can’t fix any of the problems at all.
Thank you for this advice Jill……we have a 19 year old immature daughter who wants a free ride for everything. We must ask her to move out. She is disruptive to us, she is ungrateful, she gets in trouble a lot, she has been fired 4 times this year yet we let her land here. It’s affecting both our health and joy. We need to do this for all our sake.
I am a retired, disabled 72 year old mother who is living and sleeping on my couch because my lazy, verbally abusive son has turned my bedroom into a condemned pig-sty and refuses to move.
I have contemplated checking out on life but found the courage not to.
DESPERATELY need help figuring out how best fo force him to move.
Sandra of course this is too serious of a situation for me to solve with just a paragraph or two here but here are a couple of suggestions. First you need to find a pastor or counselor to talk to because this problem goes way beyond just a son refusing to move out. If you can’t find a pastor or afford a counselor then google women’s shelters or hotlines in your area. Even if you aren’t going to a women’s shelter they can point you in the right direction of where to get help.
At the same time as you are doing that you need to take a good look at what you are doing and what your responsibility is as the mom and the “adult” in this situation too. What your son is doing on any level is totally wrong but at the same time you need to step up to the plate and realize and acknowledge your part in this. Get your emotions and anger under control (I know it is hard). When anger and other emotions are not under control you can’t think straight or do practical things that need to be done – if you think about it too your son is not wanting to and is too lazy deal with life in an adult responsible way – he has sort of given up on life and isn’t that a little bit like what you are wanting to do too when you say you contemplated checking out on life? You are wanting to just give up like he has done. The problem will not be solved for either of you (although it will help) by him just moving out. You both need serious counseling so please call and get the help you need. The police may even have a hotline for you to call but you will have to be the one to actually do the calling.
I have a 46 year son who thinks everything of mine and my husbands is his never could keep a job and doesn’t work!!! Got on drugs steals everything he can from us and thinks nothing if it!! Well I am done I am having him evicted tomorrow! I am so sick if being sick because of him embarrassing us all the time! Steals money from our business so we have to sale like right now!!!
I just can’t taking living like this anymore!!
Thank you for this great advice and encouragement
This is elder abuse which is a crime when perpetrated on a person age 60 and over. Call your area senior services agency who will help or the social worker at your local senior center. They are there to assist.
Thanks for the advise I have a 37 daughter and 41 daughter and 11 grandchild and 24 year son they not working and refuse to work they all drink alcohol and smoke and are lazy they are my children from my late husband I’m married now for 15 years and this new husband is only working I work from home and have some money saved but now it’s getting finished and I’m 59 and husband is 57 I went to court no help I went to the police no help me and my husband don’t drink or smoke what can we do
It really is hard for me to answer without knowing the whole complete situation. I can’t get the full picture from just a paragraph so I am just shooting in the dark. But what I am wondering is where are they getting the money for the alcohol or cigarettes? Where are they getting money for food if they are not working. If it is coming from you then you just need to stop giving it to them. It is that simple. Maybe not easy but it simple to do. If they get hungry enough they will be forced to do something. Lock them out of the house and change the locks if you have to. Sell your house and move and don’t let them move in again with you. If you lock them out and they do damage to your home then report them. You see so many parents put all the blame and responsibility on the kids but you are the parent and you have allowed them to get by with it and are now reaping what you and they have sowed. I know that sounds harsh but unless you face the reality of the situation you can never change it. You will just keep waiting for your kids to change and expect them to change and that is not going you happen. The choice is yours do what ever it takes to get them out even if you have to sell the house out from under them. If you can’t step up then you will have made your choice and will have to just live with the consequences I am afraid.
I have 3 young men 21-28 years of age mid one is 26. The mental and verbal abuse i have taken is totally out of control. I have had to see my 21 year old starve himself , sit in his room and do nothing for weeks on end. He does not care . His therapist feeds into the shit and says we need to be gentle with him and his feelings. My 26 moved back in at 24 and is still here and my 28 is renting my other house at a measles 400. With a roommate with a child. Tried to raise rent and the verbal abuse got 10 times worse and my grandmother feeds into his shit and baby’s him.
Once again I question why are you allowing them to do this. Seriously think about that. Is it because you are afraid of being alone and losing your family, of physical abuse – decide what it is then if you really want things to change get up and take steps to do it and stop being afraid. Go to a pastor or someone who has common sense or a counselor and get help. Call the police if you need to. Have them evicted, sell your house or move. Do something don’t just sit and complain. Who is paying for your 21 yr olds therapist? If it is you then you need to find someone else to replace him. Your whole family needs a lot of help and I try to say that as kindly as possible but complaining and feeling sorry for yourself is not going to fix. You have control because you are the one with the money doing it. You can keep giving them the money to keep going down the path of destruction or you can with hold it and make these grown men take care of themselves and at this point they should be honorable and be taking care of you.
Such good advice. Thankfully, my husband and I have not had to face a situation like this with our own children. But I do have friends who have. Their son flunked out of college and came back home to live. Very quickly it came to light that he had a drug problem and he sank lower and lower, with no desire to climb out of his situation and become more responsible. Eventually, after many, many times of his flunking out of rehab, my friends had to resort to tough love. They locked him out of the house and had to call the police a couple of times when he banged on the door to get in late at night. Terribly heart wrenching to watch him sink to such a low level.
There is a good end to this story: Today this young man has turned around, is a high school teacher with a young family of his own. He says he owes it all to the tough love stand his family took. He believes that he would still be using drugs if they had not forced him to become more responsible. There is hope. Every adult child still living at home deserves to be nudged (or forced) to become responsible.
Thanks for that story. My son recently spent the night in jail, lost his job, moved back home. He is doing drugs and has zero desire to get a job. After 15 years at the same job, I am now working part time because I have a number of serious health issues. I have given him a month to get a job so he won’t be living on the street, but he sleeps all day, does nothing, cannot even keep his room clean and fights with me when I ask him to clean it up. I cannot support myself, let alone an adult man unwilling to get a job because he doesn’t feel he should have to work. At the end of the month I have given him, I am going to have to kick him out. I did do this once before, same reason, single mom, he was an adult unwilling to work or help out, and I know how devastating it is; will be. I am so heartbroken, but the stress is making my illnesses worse, and I just cannot go on living like this. I have worked hard my entire life. How could I have raised such a lazy person who only cares about himself. Hopefully he can turn it around.
You know Emmy I don’t know if it is any comfort or not but I once heard a preacher say that moms and dads who have adult kids with major problems should not be so hard on yourselves if you did the best you could because even the most perfect Father there is has wayward children. He was talking about God and Adam and Eve and us.
That is really a cool observation. I’ll never forget that. ❤️
Praise God! This is what I needed to hear!
LOL Glad to help Rhonda. :)
We have the same problem…..did what we knew to be right and nothing seems to have mattered.
My son Joshua is 25 years old, I realize now how lucky my husband and I are. He has worked since he was Junior in high school. He works for fork lift company now. Lives in small townhouse. On his own and financially supports two year old granddaughter Everly. But yes I do have friends that have struggled with their kids. To all those struggling please don’t beat yourself up. Try to encourage responsibility and if necessary evict them from your house.
I had a son that wouldn’t move, so I told him I was going to help him find an apartment and help pay his rent, so I found an apartment, paid the deposit and 1st months rent. Once he moved I told him he couldn’t come back. That was 7 years ago and he never came back.
Giving your adult child a plan & a deadline is difficult. I know because I did with my son ten years ago. He was hurt and angry – for awhile. However, now that he is 35, married, and has a successful career, he has thanked me many times for having the courage & love to “kick him out”
As my minister tells people…God was the ultimate parent. And look what he had (Not Jesus). a bunch of back sliding, ungrateful, hethan Isrealites who made a national pastime out of breaking every rule god set out for them.
You are not a failure for loving your daughter and wanting to do your best by her. But sometimes, the best thing to do is to kick them in the rump and be the “big meanie”. It stinks, but she will grow and improve for it. (((hugs)))
This is such a timely article. I have 2 adult children who still live at home (early 20’s). My husband and I gave them a little leeway because where we live has few job openings. I tried giving them advice on things to try but in the end they did nothing to prepare themselves. We finally sat down with them last month and gave the oldest a deadline and told the younger one he could have a little more time but not much (a few months). The deadline is coming up in a few days and my oldest still does not have a job. I feel horrible but won’t back down. Reading this article and some of the replies has made me feel a bit better.
There may be another good solution in this particular situation: perhaps the way to handle this is for the parents to tell their daughter that she can stay there ONLY IF she is looking for a job or working.
That still leaves the nuclear option of kicking her out as a later tool, and could provide a more supportive way of encouraging the adult child to learn responsibility.
It doesn’t sound like the problem is her being there, and many families of multiple generations now equitably share one house. The problem actually is the adult child’s lack of work and responsibility, so saying that they can stay ONLY IF THE WORK situation is addressed helps to teach that adult child, while still maintaining a safety net, and future, tougher, options are still available.
It this daughter refuses to work or pay her parents for her and her children’s room and board, these parents should consider suing for custody and throwing their daughter out. It would be in their own, their grand children, and their daughter’s best interest.
I believe in cohousing, but not exploiting your parents by refusing to pay expenses or doing your share of the home’s chores. My sister did that. Now THREE of her children and FOUR grandchildren are living at my mom’s house. Mom does the shoping, cooking, cleaning, dishwashing and child care.
Everyone else spends their time on their phone, computer games, going out to eat, and getting their and their 5 year old’s nails manicured. I ABHOR their badges of sloth and gluttony!) They can’t be bothered to take my mom anywhere. But my mom and dad created thier own mess. :(:(:(.
Dear Jill, I am a single, 60 yr. old man living in the basement of my mothers house. I am forced to do this because my employer refuses to pay me a liveable wage and provide benefits. Is that my fault? Its only going to get worse during this Obama Depression because employers know that there are millions unemployed so they have reduced their pay. The majority of jobs lost during The Obama Depression were good paying jobs and the majority of jobs created during the last 4 years have been low paying jobs. 50% of Americans now employed make $10 per hour or less!!! In my area (West-Central Missouri) YOU CANNOT LIVE on $10 per hour! Clay.
Clay I hate to be blunt but you are the perfect example why I wrote this article. I’m sorry but I have no sympathy for a grown man to whine, wallow and have a pity party spending his time thinking up excuses for why he is living with his mom. You are 60 years old what were you doing the 55 or so years before Obama came into office? Why weren’t you saving money and paying off a mortgage? By the time I was 40 and living on what was considered poverty level income I had a home paid for, car paid for and no debt. Obama wasn’t in office then so what is your excuse for that.
You can’t live on $10 an hour? What is your problem. I live on way less then minimum wage even and am doing fine and not living with my mom. My son lost his job and for over a year and his family of four managed to live just fine on $11 an hour until he got another job. As far as where you live that is still another excuse. Your area is not any worse then any place else and even if it was then move. Don’t just sit and make one more excuse. I lived in Kansas for most of my life but at one point I up and moved to Idaho because it was cheaper for me to live there for awhile. I left most of my family here and had never even been to Idaho before but I did what I had too.
And just for info your no I am not for Obama but I’m not going to use him or anything else as an excuse to have a pity party. In my eyes that makes a person even less of a man then what he is.
How long have you been living there? My guess is a number of years. If you are 60–then Mom is 80+? Who is going to take care of her when she needs it? If you are single why aren’t you working around the clock and earn money to support yourself? Where would you be if Mom passed 20 years ago? If you inherit the house–you won’t even be able to pay the taxes & utilities. You’d have to rent the upstairs & live in the basement. Let me tell you–you won’t get much for rent because its kinda creepy to rent from a 60 year old man living in the basement.
Tawra mentioned the same thing. She said if a person can’t live off of $10 an hour then that just means he will have to work 2 jobs instead of one or even 3.
Clay, You sir are a disgrace. $10 an hour isn’t enough money to live on in New York City, Chicago, or Los Angeles. In Missouri it is more than enough. If you need more you could sell on Ebay or work a few hours part time somewhere.
I have a brother that is always trying to scam his way into some trusting family members home to stay for awhile. He makes me sick. He’s 60 and a bum too. Where is your pride? I bet you’re mother is very proud.
I do not think it is any President’s fault. We live in an economy that requires skills beyond a high school diploma to get a decent paying job. I was a single parent who raised three children on income that was 300.00 a year above poverty level. I had a full time job and child support. Combined income was small. I went back to school and got a marketable degree and was able to build a good life for myself.
You may have to work two jobs to make ends meet or make a career change.
Dear Clay,
Sit sounds like you’re making excuses. You’re a 60 year old man. Two things leaped out at me … 60 & man. 60 years is more than enough time to be able to gage the ebb and flow of the social/economical circle of your surroundings. So if 1 job isn’t paying you enough then my suggestion to you would be to “man” up and get a second or third job So that you can afford to make it on your own.
My husband and I live on 1600 a month pay rent car payment we get ten dollars a month in food stamps no help with medcial other then medcare I am on 15 meds husband on6 we struggle but we make it I am also on a special diet I have diabetes and a weak heart one doctor I see is 259 just to walk into his office we do not have cable do pay for internet so we can watch free movie have only one cheap cell phone with the cheapest plan I do go to food pantries we do not go out to eat I was our clothes by hand so it is do able if u want to
you are a great person and i wish you all well and god bless you.
Well i was put out on my own.My folk help me with having a rental and i was responsible for everything.However i did not make enough to care for my car insurance .So for my first year it was very difficult .And many times i wished i was able to be at my old home. But after a few years i was able gain more income,new car etc. But with many young adults who are not able to work ,might need some counseling and job training skills .Most school offer these classes ,some do not. But finding a job these days is much more difficult than 30 years ago.You must use a computer ,you must apply on line. You are not a person ,comming in to meet the employer ,you are just a number or another job application .It becomes who has more experience over the job requirements. I think if you
want to have your son/daughter to be independent. They need to start young. Teach these skills and offer advice and perhaps getting help with them from other sources,through friends ,relatives ,church pastors ,grandparents .
Lets look at this from another perspective. I have three kids. None of them with drug or other “issues”. Two of them live here in their home.
Now before anyone has a “Kick ’em out” hissy fit this was not a “Last resort” for anyone. My daughter and her husband and now two kids moved in after they had been on their own for a few years due to circumstances beyond their control–and I will say these WERE well beyond their control–they weren’t even their own circumstances but mine. In addition to living in an extremely hard to find rental area of the country –the North East and the country to boot!–the rents are staggering if they can be found. No kids no pets no this and that–IF you can find a place. Around here $1000 and UP per month for a 1 bedroom dump is not unheard of–again IF you can locate one. So there was that. When their last “landlord” –who is a comedian you might have seen on your TV or in person who owns slums for profit–no I won’t mention his name—refused to have the electric services fixed and the place was cut off by the power co for unsafe conditions we decided–as a FAMILY–to have them move in with us. This came at the end of a lot of discussions and decisions and the apartment problems were only one factor. The biggest factor was–I became handicapped (leg amputation and partial foot amputation) due to an illness and I needed help.
Do we all love this all the time? No. We do have our moments! Do I LOVE having my grandkids here? YES. I wouldn’t give that up for the world. Perhaps it was because I grew up with 5 generations IN ONE HOUSE that this is not a huge big deal to me.
We could USE a bigger house now tho and ironically we are looking to move South–perhaps even to the area mentioned by the poster above in Missouri! My husbands job is portable; our house is paid for; we own another paid for house being lived in by an elderly relative.
So here we have a WORKING family–both my daughter and her husband have jobs; the grandkids have a very stable and loving family; we all share raising them and feeding them and doing things together.
Another irony–we have been talking about re-furbishing our fully finished but dated basement into an apartment for the adults in this family and giving the grandkids the bedrooms on the first floor. (We only have a one story with basement house–good for ME tho!!!) Fortunately the place is finished and only needs paint and cosmetics–there is even a full bath down there. So if they get to age 55 and are still living here–well I guess we will be very well cared for in our old age!
So–I can certainly see the point and the problems if the people whose kids don’t or won’t uphold their end of the “bargain”. But not all circumstances are the same. And of course not all families are the same. What was it Tolstoy said? All happy families are alike—all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.
I hope that the families with these problems get help–maybe what they need is not always a swift kick to the rear–altho not discounting that!!!–but some outside perspective and an agreement to live up to for both sides.
What you say is so true there are different circumstances and different family situations. What you mentioned is a little like comparing apples and oranges. Your kids are grown, have shown they are responsible and have lived on their own for awhile and due to things beyond their control have had to move back home. That is a totally different thing then kids “sponging” off of their parents. I would have my kids home and living with me in a heart beat if they needed to but they both know they would be out in a heart beat if they weren’t pulling their weight if physically able to and I wouldn’t stand for any woe is me and a daily list of excuses.
I agree completely. The one thing you have to be careful about is to follow legal eviction proceedings for your jurisdiction or you may be liable for paying money to the very person who wasn’t paying rent! One phrase I found from parenting with love and logic that makes it a little easier is, “I love you too much to treat you like a little kid.”
Want to say, back when I lived in Florida, I was informed by local court system that in order to make my son and his girlfriend move out, I had to serve them with official eviction notices – following the “tenant protection” acts. Nope, they weren’t paying rent or even part of the utility bills like they were supposed to, but according to the courts, I had to follow the 60 day, 30 day, 15 day and 3 day laws. Only if they “failed” to follow the restrictions could I have them formally evicted. I “solved” that problem by selling the house – to them – and moving out myself.
The poster name Clay above just makes me sick. Whine, whine. Clay, you need to get manly equipment (I’m being “clean” here) and stand on your own. Can’t make any money with one job? Then get TWO…or THREE. Cut back your spending…..learn to survive like the rest of us. You make me sick……You are the type that wants *somebody* to “take care of* you……waaaaa waaaaa. Uck. I have to hush now……
Kathleen I feel the same way about Clay. I just posted pretty much the same thing you just expressed LOL!! The nerve of some people. I busted my behind to make it on my own raising 3kids with NO HELP!! Was it easy? HECK NO!! But I did it. Through the grace of God I was able to break the cycle of addiction that plagued my family for generations. Seeing that type of destruction made me want ABSOLUTELY NO PART OF IT!! And I definitely didn’t want it for my children. I had to swallow my pride at times and take a job here and there that I felt I was “better than” but I did it to keep a roof over our heads. In the end I learned there is no “better than” it’s simply work … and any work, be it great or small, beats a ZERO!!
What an incredibly timely article! (Unfortunately!) Thank you very much for this article and its attachments/links.
JStL.
I agree with Jill and the previous posters that each situation is different. I’m in my mid-thirties (single with no children) and living with my parents again after being on my own for more than 10 years. I moved back because of many factors, including health problems and job loss. I am now working full-time and covering all of my own expenses (including food) and helping as much as I can at home. I’m sure my parents may like to have their extra space back at times (I know I would) but they’ve told me many times that they like having me around and that it’s nice to have help with things.
This is all to make the point that not all adults living at home are freeloaders, and sometimes families can work things out so that the situation benefits everyone.
This is so true and this article isn’t about those adults at all but about freeloaders and how to deal with them.
Love your cookbook “Not Just Beans” I use it all the time! And I love everything you all write about! I wanted to tell you what has happened to me. I left my parents’s home to be married under bad circumstances. They never forgave me. I came from a family of 8 I’m the oldest oldest and 18 yrs older than the youngest. I have a mentally handicapped brother and sister that my dad worked hard to provide for, he and mom left them a house all paid for and a sizable trust fund. My parents didn’t want anything do do with me or my kids and we were very poor but never on welfare. I realized I had so much more than I thought. My kids had wants but all their needs were met, and our good and gracious God met ALL our needs. I’ve seen many miracles! Anyway, my sister moved back in with my parents and spent so much money on her and her kids that they have entitlement mentalities. My 60 yr old sister and her 30 something kids are huge sponges. But get this, my dh and I were asked to move in last year to take over for them ( other family members kicked them out) only to find our there is a big tax lein on the house and the house was covered in urine from feral cats. And the money is almost gone. I praise God, that I learned to trust Him and that my kids are wonderful responsible and loving people. Money meant everything to my parents, I’m glad they can’t see their lovely home, now.
PS I guess the point of all that, is I’m glad I had to stand on my own. My sister and her kids would have been better off, too.
I was very fortunate. Once my three children left for college they never lived at home. I really missed all the help they had given me during their teens. my youngest actually found a job when she reached 14 because the wanted ‘better” name brand clothes than I found at the thrift stores or made myself.
I absolutely agree with everything you have written Jill, it is all about tough love and pointing the daughter in the right direction and help her find her feet.
If the questioner can afford it pay off that loan and get that worry out of the way. She does not say what it is for or the remaining balence. Mother and father must provide a united front and not help her behind the others back. She does have a training so she does not need to “find’ a job, just hire a chair in someones salon or freelance from home. There are many shut ins who would like their hair done at home.
The other thing is that she is not pulling her weight in the care of her child. Maybe her ex might take her back to court and have income asigned to her and thus reduce the child support he is paying. the money he pays is for the benefit of their child not spending money for his ex wife
My husband & I are very fortunate. Our daughter & SIL have good jobs & a home. They are very frugal for 25 & 27. — When she was a teenager we told her regularly that her job was to prepare for earning a living and living on that amount of money. When she entered college (which we had saved & paid for) she was told that she was not an adult until she could pay for all her needs & wants. She worked for extra spending money in college & high school. We could have given her more cash to spend but her degree meant more to her because she earned some of the money. — She made money mistakes but had to live with the consequences. — She has thanked us many times for not rescuing her at every turn. — I recommend parents start money lessons when they are young. For most kids it works best that way.
My children did well while they were in school. trouble came after they got out. Every time they got into a bind. they would come to my husband and I, so we could help them out. Finally my husband said no more. but me, I kept on trying to help. finally I was in so much debt for them, I just couldn’t help any more. When it came to the day that I had to so no, they got their act together and now is doing fine. Think, now they are helping me pay off the debt they put me into. You have to learn to say no, I can’t help any more because as long as you let them. they will take advantage of you. You love your children. but you have to treat them like grown ups.
Clay, you say you are living in your mother’s basement. Do you pay her rent. If not you have it made. Thank God for the basement and thank God for mother.
As an attorney, I would also advise these parents to make sure they have wills, durable power of attorneys, and health care declarations. The will should be structured in such a way that the other children get their fair share (given what the parents have already spent on the deadbeat daughter), and that any share to Deadbeat Daughter is structured in such a way that she cannot squander the funds (a trust, for instance) Or they could disown her completely in favor of the poor grandbaby, who doesn’t have much of an example to follow. If they don’t know where to find a competent estate planning attorney, their local Bar Association should have a referral list. Thanks and God bless.
I have a similar situation. My sister who is only 2 years younger lives with me. She is a college student and in her last year. She is training to be a teacher. Well, she asked to move in with me and my family( 2 kids and hubby) and pays us 300.00 to cover utilities and food etc…It has been a very trying time. She treats us like a hotel, almost never does any housework, and barely tidies up after herself. She is rude to my kids, constantly complains and has the master bedroom because anything else was too small. The worst thing is that she has requested we not disturb her by trying to make conversation with her, unless she initiates it first. What kind of nonsense is this? I am tempted to ask her to move out but I know our mom will not be happy if I do. Plus it will probably permanently fracture the relationship. She isn’t all bad, she can be sweet and nice if she feels like it, but mostly she doesn’t feel like it. Any advice?
As always let me say I have no way of being able to know the whole story in a couple of paragraphs so I may be way off. This is just the way I see things and speak from things I have experienced and seen. I’m not judging anyone but only trying to show the facts here.
I am a big believer in bending over backwards for extended family and turning the other cheek but there comes a point where you may have to rethink your situation. First you said you are worried it will cause fracture in the relationship – the fracture is already there, caused by your sister and your mom. There are more things going on in your relationship with your mom if you are afraid she would be mad at you for kicking out your sister and not understanding. That in and of itself throws up red flags that there is something that needs fixed.
There are a few other things I could mention too but really don’t have the space but the thing I think that needs to be addressed the most is the fact you are worried you will hurt your sister and your mom and cause a problem in their relationship with you. As normal as that is and you should have concerns there is one thing you need to realize. Your husband and children should come first above all else (except God of course). She is hurting your kids with her words and actions.
I have so many times said we would be all over someone if they were physically abusing our children. If I saw someone punching my kids I wouldn’t stand back and thinking to myself or saying “Hummm I really don’t want to punch them because it might hurt them and my mom would be mad at me if I did. Hummm you turn to your husband or friend and say what do you think I should do because I know if I punch them it will upset them and I don’t want to upset them.” All the while this person is pounding your children. There is no way I or you would do this we would fly into the person like a wild cat if they even started to raise their hand at our children.
Now I know this sounds extreme and this isn’t exactly what your sister is doing but I use this for you to understand verbal abuse and bad attitudes can do permanent and awful damage to a family just as bad as a physical beating. Your first and foremost responsibility is to protect your children. Stop worrying about your sister and your mom and your relationship with them. You children come first. It will eventually cause problems in your marriage if it hasn’t already. You have one very understanding and loving husband if he was willing to give up his master bedroom for a younger sister in law. You don’t want to lose a husband like that.
It’s hard to stand up to those we love sometimes but you need to be strong and brave enough to be willing to get hurt (by their anger) and jump in the fray and protect your kids. Love your children more then your sister or your mom in this case. God is so wise there is a reason He said we should leave our mother and father (and siblings) and cling to our spouse because He knew all the problems that would happen if we didn’t do that. Short periods of time to help them out is ok but many months and years are not so good.
Practical things to do. These are if she stays.
1. Take back your master bedroom. This may not seem important but it is. In the same way the top dog gets the best place in the den to show they are the top dog you need to do the same. This bedroom symbolizes who is in control of your home. This may seem like a silly thing but there is much power in words and the fact that one of the things you mentioned is the master bedroom then I think this is important for you and your husband so you will feel you have control.
2. Write down ground rules in detail and have her sign them and agree to them. Usually I say give one or two chances when breaking rules but not in this case. Write on the agreement if she breaks any of the rules she must be out within 3 days (or what ever time you choose). This will help cover you legally.
3. Assign chores and write them out just like the ground rules.
4. Lovingly go to your mom and explain to her what is happening and what you will be doing and why. Of course all of these things should be done with a very loving but firm attitude. You mom may get mad. Your sister will get mad but remember that is their choice and there is nothing you can do about it. You can’t control another persons emotions. If they choose to have mean awful reactions that is between them and God. It is your reaction to them that is important and you need to have control over. Don’t react. Don’t get angry. Again just lovingly and firmly state the facts. They can agree to them or not that is their choice.
Your sister maybe upset with these things enough she may voluntarily leave.
Now that being said you don’t need to allow her to stay at all. I personally would tell her this is not working so she must leave. It is that simple. You may have to legally give her 30 day notice because she has been paying rent which is why I said earlier to get things in writing.
I know these things aren’t easy but protect those kids and your husband.
Hi Jill,
Thank you kindly for your response. I appreciate it. I also love your website. You seem like good people. God bless:)
You are welcome. It is very easy for me to write an answer but if I were in your shoes I know it would be hard. I don’t know all of the facts either so I may be way off base but I hope one or two things will help or at least give you some ideas on where to get started.
In response to the initial question–and thoughts to others in a similar situation. If a child/children are at home–perhaps they cannot make it on their own. Our job as parents is to teach them–take them by the hand if necessary, and give them the tools they need to stand on their own.
Having said that–Do all things with patience and out of love–not anger. I feel that both parent(s)and the child(ren) need to come up with a plan (short & long term goals) that all can live with. Then sit down and hash out a plan. Together look at the plans and together make a decision on a plan that will work for all. Be honest and express your feelings/concerns (chair squirming is to be expected). Go over the plan daily and write an action list for the next day. Once things get better-go over the plan weekly. Never go more than a week without a sit down.
We have many friends that have a child or two still at home–they never bothered to really discuss the situation. They just allowed the move in and grudgingly taken financial responsibility. This robs the child of dignity and in the long run perpetuates dependency.
For the initial question: Set a date for you and your daughter to come up with a plan. Sit down on that day–even if she has not written a plan. Hash things out together. Write it all down– detail all expectations. Then assist your daughter as needed to execute the plan; follow up with have regular formal sit downs to discuss progress/pitfalls. I feel the grandchild should also be present for these meetings–it will teach the grown up way to tackle a problem. The written plan and regular meetings document all you have done (in case of legal action) and show progress (no matter how small) your daughter made.
As for the co-signed loan you have 2 choices pay it or default. The choice is yours. You co-signed, you are the one on the hook. If paying the loan make sure you point out in the plan that you are taking responsibility for the decision you made when you co-signed. If it is an auto loan–take the car–if she refuses to give the keys–buy The Club. Allow limited use of car as she demonstrates responsibility.
Bottom line–if she doesn’t stick to the plan you still have the other mentioned routes of recourse.
I have a situation that is wearing me out as well. I have a 31 year old son who up until last October lived at home. He got into some trouble and I let him stay in jail for two weeks. When it was time to get out I said fine but he is not coming home. He got in trouble for his own RX meds being used wrong and with really bad people. I took him to court which cost me money. I had him declared mentally incompetent and a danger to himself. He is diagnosed Bipolar and sever depression. He can not keep a job either because of his mental problems. I had him committed to our state mental hospital because he has no insurance and no job. While there he met an employee and after he got out they dated and now she is pregnant due in May and I am still supporting him. He is sucking the life right out of me. He has ruined my credit. He is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic with mental health issues. He sees a counselor but no one will treat him with his past history even though he is and has been clean since June of 2012. I am 55 years old with my own health problems working 2 jobs. In my line of work I should not be working more that 32 hours a week because of risk of carpal tunnel. I work over 40 to pay my bills and his medication, doctor appointments and groceries. I help them with gas money but they live in an apartment and fight constantly over money. His girlfriend works 2 jobs pregnant and was a full time college student before this semester. Baby is due in May so she sat out this semester to work. If it was just him being lazy I would crack the whip but he has other issues too. I don’t know what to do but he is killing me slowly. My husband has no problems detaching from the situation. I as a mother have a bigger problem doing it. We have 3 other sons who are married and have kids. They have good jobs. Not quite sure what happened with our 3rd oldest. I would like to run away really. He has tried to hurt himself twice so I know those are not empty threats. He was just in ICU on life support this last November. I spend a lot of time and energy keeping that boy alive. I do go to Alanon which is a good group.
Kathi since you go to Alanon and from what you said about your husband, I think you probably already know the answer to what you need to do. I get so many e mails saying I am exhausted and so frustrated with my messy, filthy house – how do I clean it? I’m sorry but even my 3 year old grandchild knows how to get the broom out and sweep stuff up that is on the floor and how to put away his toys. You can even learn how to wash dishes from watching the TV commercials and though this may not seem to be the same topic from an emotional level it is. The point is these women know what needs to be done and in most cases how to do it but where the problem lies is they just don’t want to do what needs to be done or are desperately trying to find an answer which is easy and takes little or no effort and doesn’t hurt anyone.
The problem is you think you are helping your son and are working so hard to keep him physically alive but in doing so your are emotionally and physically killing not only him but yourself and the rest of your family. Why I say the rest of your family is because I talked to a woman yesterday whose brother’s story is exactly like yours but he is 55 years old and still doing the same things as your son. The mom won’t let go and because she wouldn’t when the dad got yet another call from the son threatening to kill himself the dad hung up the phone and died of a heart attack. Now the brothers and sisters are spending all their spare time having to deal with the brother. But you have probably heard all of the stories like this.
What upsets me in these cases is you have 3 other sons and their families and you spend all of your extra money and time on the one. You may not think it will happen but I have seen the “good” kids and grand kids over time start resenting the parent and you are at risk of if not totally losing them of at least damaging your relationship with them. Actually you and your son are in some ways very much alike in the fact that neither one of you are willing to give up a behavior and doing things which are harming you and others physically and emotionally. We live in a society that tends to show favoritism and bends over backwards to help those who are doing wrong (not those who are having hard times through no fault of their own)through their own choice and we kill ourselves helping them when those who are doing right get very little attention or reward. When we pat someone on the back for bad behavior by always helping them we may as well be doing drugs and all the things ourselves.
There is a story in the Bible (where I find the wisest answers for anything) and it is called the Prodigal son. Most of us know and remember the part where the father opens his arms and welcomes the son back but what we sometimes over look is in the beginning the father released the son and let him go – he didn’t rush to his aid when he was drinking, living with the wrong people or laying starving and dying in a pig sty. He waited for the son to pick himself up and come to him.
Stop making excuses for him and all of his illnesses. If he is able to have a girlfriend and make babies he probably is able to take care of himself. You should not be interfering in his life even if you think it is a good way. Listen to your husband and what Alanon has to say. Start putting your time and energy into those other boys and their families and rewarding them for being good instead of rewarding your son for being bad. As harsh as this seems if he takes his own life that is his choice and you are not responsible for it if he does. That is why you are so tired. You have decided to carry not only your responsibilities but another adult man’s and the burden will crush you unless you set his down.
Here is something to think about too. Our pastor recently mentioned that the Bible never calls things like alcoholism a disease and he knows that because God never tells us to repent from illnesses only of sins and things we shouldn’t be doing. The Bible talks about repenting of drunkenness but never cancer. Later after he taught this a man came to him and thanked him for teaching that. The man said for years he had pretty much given up on trying to over come his drinking because he had been told time and again it was in his genes and an illness he just had to live with and when he heard the pastor teach this he said for the first time that he had hope. That he had control over his life where the other mind set told him it was something he had to live with.
We have to be careful about excusing bad behavior and blaming it on an illness. I understand there are true cases of depression and all but we have gotten real good at calling weak character and irresponsibility an illness. Yes your son probably is depressed but what we often do is put the cart before the horse. If we are irresponsible and do bad things it will cause us to sink into a depression which then causes a cycle to happen and family members feed that cycle then using the excuse “they are depressed”. Instead of saying you need to stop what you are doing because it will cause depression and other bad things, we say of you are depressed so let me bail you out again so you can continue the wrong behavior.
The bottom line is stop it. Stop “bailing” him out. Stop interfering in his and his family’s life. You aren’t responsible if something happens to your son – he is. You are responsible for your own life and being there for your husband, other sons and grand kids. Just like your son you are shirking your own responsibilities because have decided to take on your son’s. That may seem harsh and you may say well I don’t know you and your are taking care of your responsibilities but are you? Are you physically healthy enough to play with your grand kids, with lots of free time to spend with them? Do you have extra money to buy them treats and to take them to special places? Are you giving them a grandma who has peace, joy and lots of laughter when she is with them? How many things have you missed out on because of time spent bailing out your other son? Stop looking so much at your son’s life and start looking at yours.
Don’t be like a mom who cared her son around for the first 10 years of his life because she didn’t want him to fall and hurt himself. Her son’s legs never grew properly and he was handicapped all of his life.
I have a sister-in-law that still lives in my mother in law home with 30 years old. She always told us, from the very first beginning, that though she had houses we would have to cover for our selfs and buy or rent a house and not live with her. That was 15 years ago. My sister-in-law never a a stable job, have drug problems and return to her mother’s with her boyfriend and both live there without paying anything. The house is a wreck,house needs urgent improvments or will fall off. No kidding. she bought a brand new car, have fashion clothes, he doesn’t work at all and still studies cinema. My mother in law in under pressure, already had a stroke and her health concerns me. Reading this helps but I know that the people who need to do the change are afraid to hurt her feelings and she returns to drugs again I personally think she never left, just try to pass unnoticed). sory for my crappy english, not my language. Thank you again for all advice
Our problem right now is with extended family. My MIL who has health problems has her great-grandson living with her for the past several months. He graduated from highschool last year, is not in school, nor does he have a job. He has a bedroom but has it so junked up he sleeps on the couch. His grandmother buys food for him. He does nothing to help out at all no cleaning or yardwork except on very rare occasions. For the past couple of years I have been getting my MIL’s groceries and cleaning her house as she can not do it any more and my husband has been carring for the yard for the past several years.
We ask the greatgrandson to do things like vaccuum the den, yard work etc. but he does not do it. He will go in the bathroom and stay until I leave so I have not been able to clean it in many weeks and told him he needed to clean it and told where the supplies are.
Last time I was there he was gone and it took me three times as long to clean it.
My husbands sisters think there is nothing wrong with his behavior. They will not clean the house eitheror do the yard work.
So what can we do? We can not let our MIL live in such nasty conditions but we should not have to do all the work especially when there is an able bodied person living there and compounding the mess.
You know Emily this is a hard one plus without knowing your financial situation or how much your MIL can do or not do I will be groping in the dark here a little but here are a couple of things.If your MIL is in that bad of condition and you have the money I would consider moving her to an assisted living place. Now I realize this may not even be possible at all. They have such nice places now and it really isn’t a nursing home.
Another option is that if your MIL has a home with more then one bathroom keep maybe her bedroom, bathroom and the kitchen clean only. Also another thing is you can decide that in order to care properly for her you maybe will have to care for him too and accept it. The thing is if it really gets to you to do this (and it would me) then you may have to step back and let things take their course. As much as we would love to, we can’t always fix things for our loved ones as much as we would like and sometimes have to let go. It may take things getting really bad for awhile for for the other members to finally step up to the plate.
If nothing else I would not bring them any more groceries or at least cut back and bring only things your MIL would like and not the grandson. You might have to work out a plan where you bring a meal to your MIL each evening and sit with her while she eats it or come pick her up and bring her to your place to eat and things like that. Now keep in mind that hopefully this would only be for awhile and if the grandson isn’t getting feed by you he may decide to go to greener pastures. See it is hard for me to come up with many ideas because I don’t know how far or close you live to her and things like that but maybe this will get the ball rolling for you to think of some things that might work too.
My problem is I have a 33 year old daughter with two children living with me. She is supposed to pay half of the utilities each month but when she doesn’t feel like paying me, she doesn’t. She has left me hanging several times and I’ve had to make cuts or shortpay another bill. My credit is now ruined. I do all the housework, cooking, laundry etc. I pick her children up from daycare and go straight home to start dinner because they are usually very hungry by the time I pick them up. When my daughter gets home, she goes into her room to text or Facebook and does not come out until she knows dinner is ready. She never sits down to eat dinner with her children because she slips back into her bedroom.
She has become verbally and physically abusive towards me and I am afraid of her. She calls me horrible names and doesn’t care that her children witness this kind of treatment towards me. I have told her numerous times that I am unhappy and I know she is too so I need her to move out of my house. She has told me that she has no intentions of moving out unless I evict her (this advice comes from her father, my ex). He has gone so far as to tell ME to just let her have my house and I find somewhere else to live! I am at my witt’s end and don’t know what to do because I worry about my grandchildren. I know they will suffer because my daughter puts herself and her wants before her children!
Will I be a cad if I file an eviction notice against her? She is physically and mentally destroying me!
No you won’t be a cad and you should do it immediately. I know when the grandchildren are involved it makes it so much harder but you have to realize that this situation is hurting them too but in different way. If you are truly concerned about them (which I am sure you are) then you need to make them leave and then call child protective services. You need to get help too because sometimes without realizing it you are feeding the problem by allowing it to happen and it sounds as if you are allowing yourself to be abused by not only your daughter but your ex husband so this tells me you need help getting over your fear and intimidation. Until you do your grandchildren will not have one stable person in their lives because you have unhealthy problems in a whole other direction. What are you afraid of exactly – that your daughter won’t love you anymore? It seems that is already happening. Or are you afraid your grandchildren will be hurt? Again that is already happening. I think you know what to do you just need to do it before it is too late. I don’t know if you are a Christian or not but if you are God says He doesn’t give us the spirit of fear but of love and sound mind. As you can tell there is only fear and no love or sound mind in your home which means Satan has total control over you and your family. If I was you I would fight for all I was worth to protect my grandchildren even if it means going against your ex and your daughter. Go to a pastor,women’s shelter (if not to stay there a least for advice) lawyer, child protective services, some where who can help you to get the ball rolling.
I have a fantastic Loving relationship with a WONDERFUL woman, and if it were just her and I living together with her 3 dogs, it would be HEAVEN. But she has a 46 year old DEAD BEAT son that thinks the world revolves around his mid section. He has been here for 14 months and worked maybe a total of 8 weeks? Got paid for maybe 5 or 6 of them. Now refuses to look for work because #1) Can’t drive as he lost his license in 1987 suspended. 2) can’t work with money as he has a felony, and did jail time. Takes employment and quits the same day saying he is too fat for this job. He has a truck that has no insurance, no current tags, and doesn’t run. It is taking a premium parking spot on the drive way, and he refuses to move it. He has burned every friendship, and if he is kicked out has no where to go! My Companion & I are both 64 and retired. We have purchased a motorhome with hope’s of travel 6 months out of the year. My GF does not have the Heart of evicting him. He plays video games daily, does NO work around the home, and refuses to find a job. I said it is time for “Tough Love” set a date and have him removed/evicted, but she says she can’t
At the risk of sounding harsh (I know how hard it is to have to do these things being a parent and a grandparent) I still have to say it as kindly as I can – parents who allow this type of thing to happen and continue, especially for a man this old, are not kicking their kids out because they love them so much and don’t want to hurt their children but for the parent’s own selfish reasons. The parents love themselves more then their children. They are watching their children sitting there and hurting themselves daily but refuse to hold them accountable. The parents are more worried about how much it will hurt themselves, making the child angry at them or risk the child not loving them. The parents don’t want to feel the pain that will happen in kicking out their adult kids. Bottom line the parents love themselves and their own emotional comfort over doing what is best for their child.
What they don’t realize is they are really hurting and crippling the child more by not making them be responsible for themselves especially a 46 year old man. Everyone is enabling the other to do the wrong thing – the thing that is hurting everyone involved.
I have a worthless 30yo+ sister who has been mooching off my parents since she was 18. She always has a story, always an excuse. So why do my parents put up with it? Because my mother is so determined to protect her, she’s practically become an enabler. Also, it doesn’t help that my sister has three small kids and putting her on the street is also putting their grandkids on the street.
So I offer this warning to any parents with adult children who DON’T want to grow up: cut the chord. You may think you are abandoning your child. But they are no longer children, they are adults. And just as you have worked years and years to better your life and make a good home, do you want to throw it away for someone who couldn’t care less about you? Cut the chord and stand by it.
In the case of my sister, eviction would be the thing and my father wishes he had done it years ago. But my mother would always convince him my sister was on her way to bettering herself, even though NOTHING has ever changed. How do you get rid of an adult child who won’t move out? The homeowners need to stand as one and see the eviction process to the end. Simple as that.
I have a 21 yr old daughter still living at home. She does have a job, but pays for absolutely nothing. Any money she makes she spends freely on whatever she wants. All 3 of my daughters got a car (free) when they were 17. The idea of giving your children everything your own parents didnt give you is crap. So she has her own room, free cell service, wifi, net flicks car insurance ect… she still pays for nothing. My husband and I have sat her down many times with ultimatums, “if youre going to school then you have to get a job and pay rent”. In her case 200$ a month. Not because she is a financial burden but because I want her to learn responsibility and this would at least help with her car insurance. She paid it only a few time and thats it. She dosent clean up after herself, comes and goes as she pleases, including going out drinking and not coming home till the next day, then sleeping that whole day away. I’ve given her 30 days, if she doesnt change, by paying rent, or starts going to college, and doing her share of chores, then she has to leave. The thought of her being on her own is frightening, she so immature and can even microwave popcorn without burning it, but I want her to be better person. And I dont think its going to happen at home. Hope Im doing the right thing :/
You are Deliah. It doesn’t mean it will be easy and even after she has left it will be hard watching the things she will have to learn but parents who don’t nudge their children out of the nest are crippling them. It is funny I got your comment today. Yesterday as I was leaving my house I saw the neighbors son outside. He has to go out to smoke and I see him all the time. He is living at home and not working or doing anything. But the thing that gets me is he looks so sad. He stands in his pjs hunched over and his whole appearance is one of dejection. I thought what a disservice his parents are dong to him by not forcing him out to live on his own. They are making his life physically easier but emotionally they are destroying any self confidence and the good feeling of a sense of achievement that we all need. He has no purpose except doing things to make himself feel good everyday and even that isn’t being accomplished because he is trying to do it in the wrong way.
My son lives with my mother but, never paid rent and she wants him out but, he threaten to take her to court. What can she do
I’m no expert but if I were in your mom’s place I think I would tell him to leave especially if he was threatening to take me to court. No grandson om mine would be allowed to treat me like that let alone live under my roof. He is probably full of hot air and just being a bully – how can he afford to take anyone to court if he can’t afford his own place to live? If she needs to she can call a marshal to remove him and go from there. What I want to know too is why are you allowing your son to treat your mother like that and what are you doing about it? If you are doing nothing about it it is the same as your are condoning his behavior. Anyway he would have a leg to stand on in court so let try. I doubt he will. He just knows you are afraid of him and like a bully is taking advantage of that.
My adult daughter and her son live with me.
She is a horrible mother and I fear for the safety of my grandchild. I would like her to move out of my home. The problem is, I can not get full custody of my grandson until she does something to him. His father is unprepared to take custody. Both parents use drugs. Neither has any charges so the court wouldn’t have any reason to take custody from them.
I have had to step between them and my grandson on a daily basis. My grandson is 4yrs old. My daughter tries to use him when she is angry at his father or me. I feel so trapped. I don’t want her here, but I would feel horrible if something happened to my grandson because I evicted her.
I know it will cost some but you need to get some kind of legal advice on what you can do. There may be more you can do than you realize. Try to document what you can like taping conversations etc. but go get some advice. Go to your pastor, doctor or someone who can point you in the right direction. They can tell you more what to do or where to go. Don’t put it off go get help right away or you may regret it.
We’ve got a similar situation, but I’ll warn you, some of the advice in this article is actually illegal to follow depending on where you live. Yes, even if they have never paid you a dime in rent and are not a “tenant” you need to do some legal legwork or you may find a judge ordering that you -have- to open your doors back to your basement dweller, at least for a period of time. That will be a really fun 30 days you get to spend together. Don’t just ask people for the answers, research the actual laws in your state and city.
This is true. In certain states that have weird laws if you let anyone, not just children alone stay longer then a certain amount of days you need to treat them like tenants and give them so many days notice etc. It sad but it seems that the laws in these places make it easy for those doing wrong and many people know this so they take advantage of it. So be careful about letting any one stay with you over a certain amount of time.
Hi Jill,
My wife and I are both over 50, we have an 18 year old daughter that got pregnant at 16. we have taken care of her and our Grandchild for the past two years. 2 months ago her and her mother got in an argument about our daughter bringing home a dog, not any dog a German Shepard. our lease stipulates no pets. End result our daughter said f*** Y** i’m leaving. keep in mind were paying for her to go to E.M.T. school. She moved in with the guy she was dating, married him didnt tell us, shes now pregnant again moved to Florida, we live in Nevada. she says she wants to come home that we need to finish raising her. shes telling my wife she failed as a mother and she needs to take care of her while she goes back to college. Now we love her and our Grand child, but were not on board to supporting three kids at our age and financial situation. whats your thoughts. we want to be close to them we just don’t want them under our roof, are we failing as parents
It would break my heart to be separated and so far away from my kids and grand kids so I don’t say this lightly especially without knowing the whole situation but I am afraid as much as it breaks your heart to be separated from them you might suffer more heart break if they come back. Your daughter from the sound of things has not changed at all from when you had your fight if anything it sounds like she is doesn’t feel at all or even partially responsible for it. She didn’t learn from her mistakes the first time around partially because you bailed her out. She is expecting you to bail her out again and is manipulating you and using emotional blackmail. That is a disaster waiting to happen. As much as you think it will help the grand kids the chances are living in that kind of an atmosphere could be even worse for them. Now this is only my personal opinion and I don’t want to say definitely you should do it this way because I am not walking in your shoes but if you have them come back to support them again this is a pattern you will repeat for the rest of your life. You must be prepared that things may be hard for them if you don’t support them but emotionally it will be even harder if you do.Your choice is to break the cycle now or keep it up for the rest of your life. I don’t know where the husband is or the other father but if your daughter is needing help that bad she needs to go to them first. If she has no one to watch the kids while she goes to college then I am sorry that was her choice not once but twice. She maybe won’t be able to go to college for a few years but that is for her to figure out not you. We live in a world that doesn’t believe that mistakes and doing the wrong thing should have consequences. We always find someone else to blame for our mistakes and expect someone else to have pity on us so we can do it again and again. As much as it will hurt you need to love your daughter enough to teach her she is responsible for her actions and mistakes and no one else is. That is the part of parenting most of us fail and are weakest at but we do them a grave injustice when we don’t teach them this. For you young parents this is so much easier to teach them when they are young because the consequences aren’t as serious that is why it is best to do it when they are young before other lives like grandchildren are involved.
These are some things to think about and only you will know what is best.I know not matter what it will be hard.
No. You are not bad parents. Your daughter is an irresponsible adult. What if she married an irresponsible man. Your daughter is responsible for her own life and has to pay for that and that means raising her children. For her to say that you are bad parents and STILL expect you to let her back into your home without even apologizing to you. I would be concerned about your safety and financial stability. Just think about the insurance liability…they could sue you if anything happens to the grandchildren and if the grandchildren end up like your daughter, who is going to take care of the 2 of you in your old age.
Just in case this is the case – has anyone stopped to consider that Clay might be developmentally delayed? If that is the case, he may be very lucky to have a $10/hour job as many people in that situation (I have two pretty severely disabled sons) cannot find any work at all.
Usually when we post these posts it is for the usual or average situation. We could never write about every exception to the rule and assume that most people understand that.
We have a similar situation with our youngest of three. Her two older siblings look after themselves and contribute positively to society. Our youngest daughter at 23 is a growing liability. Unemployed and unemployable. Takes no responsibility for anything in her life. Unfortunately I can’t see things coming to an easy solution as my wife seems to take the approach everything is better than her living on the street. If it wasn’t for the strength of my relationship with my wife, I would move on. A work colleague evicted his four adult children, it placed his marriage under extreme pressure, but after a couple years his children have sorted their lives out, they were all well educated and capable. His wife has now come around to see that it was the right decision – unfortunately I am yet to reach that stage with my wife.
It is a hard place to be in Chris because when asking an adult child to leave it is really best for the parents to present a united front. When we have to punish our children or teach them the consequences of bad behavior it hurts us as a parent almost more than it does the child. Because we don’t want to hurt (making a child leave home or take responsibility will do that) we don’t make them leave convincing ourselves we are doing it for the child’s sake where the reality is if you tear away the layers it really is because we don’t want to suffer by seeing them suffer.
We do so many things to make life physically easy and good for our children but often fail in teaching our children how to be strong emotionally and spiritually too. Usually because we ourselves were never taught that. We forget sometimes things had to physically hurt in order for us to succeed – ask any athlete, or mom who had to go through child birth or dad who has to work hard to provide for his family. We have to often hurt emotionally too to learn and grow. If I had had my way I would have carried my babies all the time and not let them learn to walk because watching them fall and bump their little heads broke my heart but I knew that was not best for them or the way of life, so as much as it hurt me I had to love them more than I loved myself and my feelings and let them learn. This really isn’t a whole lot different it is just as the child gets older the things and lessons to learn get harder in the same way as building a muscle up physically we need to make our exercising harder as we build up.
One of the hardest lessons for me to learn and to live with was allowing my adult children make big mistakes and letting them live their lives and learn to be strong. It got even worse when the grandchildren came along.It is so sad because until a parent learns to let go and take their hands off of an adult child it will get worse and worse and bring not only heartache to the parents but to the child too.
Right now try to gently and wisely keep the lines of communication open with your wife and hopefully she will come around and see what is happening. Do the same with your daughter. Don’t go to her in anger but start building your relationship so that eventually she will want to start trying to honor you and listen to you. There may be a lot of baggage there so this may not work or will take awhile.
But most of all if you are a Christian pray like crazy. As the father and husband in your home you have a lot of power with God. Sometimes it takes time but maybe there are things God is trying to show you through all of this too.
My mother-in-law (MIL) is being taken advantage of and so far there is nothing my husband or myself can do. Maybe some advice will help. My sister-in-law and niece is living with her. Big problem. We can not convince MIL to kick her out, because she feels the need and responsibility to take care of them. We have tried to kick the daughter out, but MIL gets angry at us. We offered to take her in, but she changes her mind. The two sponges have trashed her house, taken her bedroom, so she sleeps on a recliner chair at night. Believe me, I tried to report this to authorities, but MIL denied it. She bought her daughter a car and many other things. She has created bills due to this situation with no way out. The daughter works, but keeps her money. My husband and I tried to give her money, presents, and food, but MIL gives them to the two sponges. My husband and I know we can’t give her money due to what will happen, so we fix her car when she needs it and we mow her lawn because the sponges breaks the lawnmower in hopes that MIL will get a riding one. We have tried to work a budget for her, but she is not truthful to what bills she owns. We would pay her bills to make her life easier, but then we just be supporting the two sponges as well, thus become enablers ourselves. Things have gotten worse lately. We get calls from MIL asking for money, then we eventually find out it’s not for her. MIL is in her 70’s, can barely walk, and still works as a janitor when she should be retired. Now her mind is failing to remember her son is a grown man. I fear the worst of her getting hurt, hurting someone else driving, not taking medication, and losing everything. Any advice?
Nancy this is one of those situations where it is not an easy situation or maybe I should say the advice is not what people want to hear. When I was training to do counseling one of the first things I was taught was when someone walked into the office and sat down for a session I had to decide were they here because they wanted to be and because they really wanted help to change and fix their situation. If the answer was no and they didn’t want to be there then there was no need to waste my time and their time on trying to help them. In other words unless someone wants help you can’t help them. You will be spinning your wheels and stay frustrated and upset all the time while person you are trying to help is going on their merry destructive way.
One of the hardest things I have ever had to do is to watch adult family members do things that I know is not the best thing for them but they will not listen to my advice and I then have to watch them get hurt and deal with the consequences. Even worse is I have to let them deal with the consequences themselves.
Your MIL is still responsible for herself and her actions – right or wrong. You are responsible for your actions – if you choose to keep helping her in anyway whether giving her money for things or even fixing things for her – then you are in your own way allowing the sister in law, niece and MIL to manipulate you and take advantage of you in the same way the sister in law and niece are taking advantage of your MIL. Especially in fixing things because they don’t have to really take care of any thing because they know your husband will jump in and fix things for them. If they have to go 6 months with out a lawn mower or a car or what ever they will soon start figuring out where to find the money to fix it and to be more careful.
You are making things worse because by stepping in and helping in anyway you are helping them to keep doing the same things over and over. This will be very hard for your husband because it is a son’s natural instinct to help his mother especially when she gets older but he really needs to understand what he is doing in fixing things is dragging things out and making it worse so in the long run he isn’t helping her. Until she changes your hands are tied and your choices are either to keep doing what you are doing which as you can see is not working or stop helping until things seriously change. The choice is yours in the same way she has a choice. She feels the same way towards helping the sister in law and niece that you do towards helping her. You both are doing the same thing and it is equally as hard for you both to stop but someone needs to to break the cycle.
My three adult kids–two sons, one daughter, ages 32, 30, 26–are living at home and I think they are “stuck” and not moving forward with their lives. My husband disagrees with me, enables the situation and refuses to see a counselor with me to sort this out. We are a close family and my kids are good kids. We enjoy each other’s company and I’m especially close to my daughter. The kids are all college educated and my daughter just finished a graduate degree. My oldest son studied acting, lived in LA for a few years after college, where he did a few movies, but his career never took off, sending him into a depression. He got into debt, started smoking & drinking & moved home. He now does work at home for my husband (home-based software company), but he does it a night, sleeping during the day. He doesn’t see friends. He helps with chores around the house, but it breaks my heart to see this talented, handsome, personable young man wasting his potential. My husband likes having our oldest work for him, even though it’s not his skill set at all. My husband also enables the alcohol. Our son makes very little salary & still has the burden of cc and student loan debt. I feel like my husband is exploiting him. My younger son is an engineer and makes a 6 figure salary, lived on the West coast & just moved back home, until he can find a place to buy. He’s very generous with his siblings, bailing out my oldest son with money to pay bills. Our daughter finished a master’s degree (took out student loans), moved home, found a good job with growth potential in her field, but quit after 4 months, because she found the work environment too harsh.I suggested that she find another job before she left this one, but she resigned anyway. We are OK with her living at home so she can payoff her student loans, but she has to have a job. She’s not looking for a job and whenever I bring it up, she gets defensive. Again, my husband is fine with it. My daughter likes to cook & bake and is a great helper around the house. My husband and I are not on the same page. We’re both in our 60’s and I’d like to retire and get these kids launched into independent lives. What do I do?
Susanna this is one of those situations where you need more help then I really can give you in just a few paragraphs. It sounds like you and your husband have spent 40 or so years not dealing with things with each other so it will take way more than me telling you what to do to fix it. You need to try to get some counseling even if your husband won’t go with you. What people don’t always realize is that even though it is best for both parties to get counseling if one person refuses to go that doesn’t mean that the other can’t go. If anything they need to go more to learn how to cope with things.
This is one of those cases where you are looking at the surface problems or the symptoms of the problems and not seeing or focusing on the real problems. Retiring and getting the kids out of the house is not the big issue. Things like your son’s drinking, your husband enabling him to, your son’s depression, but even more than that you and your husband’s relationship is totally off if you guys can’t agree or compromise. If you would really listen you what you wrote and see what I saw you would see that something is wrong with the marriage or your husband from your point of view. For example look at the kind of man you see your husband to be – he exploits his children, encourages his son to be an alcoholic and is demanding and wanting everything to be his own way. That makes for a very poor husband, father and marriage. Take it a step farther and if that is all true your family can’t be that close with all of those things happening. No one is really wanting to look at the real issues.
One thing that seems to be an under lying theme and I say this more for others than for you. Be careful in pushing your children and yourself to go into debt for a good education. A good education is great but if you can’t afford it you will cause more trouble in your life and your children’s life by going into a great deal of debt for one. The children decide the career they chose is not what they want or isn’t working out for what ever reason so they feel guilty for not wanting to do it, not being able to pay the debt or for their parents being in debt. Parents are upset because the children stop working and then can’t afford to pay the debt and it will tear a family apart, even one that at one time may have been strong. No education gained like that is worth it.
Anyway you need to either have a family meeting and air all of these issues and if you are as close as you say you are you should be able to try to work them out together. If you can’t get them to do that then you have to face the reality that each person has many different issues they need to deal with and if they refuse to see them or do anything about them then you need to at least go into counseling. As much as it hurts you need to look deeper down at what is really going on, see the root of the problems, face them honestly and then try to fix them.
Thanks, Jill. What you’ve said rings true and I’ll take your advice to heart.
Susanna I will be praying for you. Even though people advice on what to do and all these things are never easy and all the emotions etc. that are involved really make them complicated but half the battle is recognizing what the real problem is and once that happens then you can slowly but surely start digging your way out.
I know it is hard so holler again if you need too if nothing more sometimes it helps to vent.
My 28 year old son lives at home, and I really don’t mind it. He works, and it is company. Other than my two dogs, I’m alone. My daughter is the polar opposite of my son….works full-time, has her own car, pays her own bills and is fairly self-sufficient. She’s 21 and also lives at home. I actually like the fact that they are still around here.
It’s because they are positive and productive contributors!! Imagine if they were two lazy slobs that were draining you of all your life’s energy and savings. You would HATE it LOL!! Thank God that you don’t have to deal with that, seriously. I’m happy for you and yours!!
Two things with this article does not answer/ignores:
1) For stubborn people and highly willed people, true Reposnsibility had to come from personal experience, perhaps some other thing besides their parents. If this type of person is living in a parent’s home.
2) No notion of what might be best for the future sustainability of Earth – –i.e. Living together might actually solve a lot of over expansion, over population problems. Less marriages, less homes being made, less resource consumption through sharing.
I think I want to be independent from my parents, but I am unsure if that is the always the most benetifical route towards life happiness, safety and good feelings.
Tobias
There is nothing wrong with families living together if all the adult kids are paying their share of the expenses, doing their share of the household work and that the parents are truly agreeable to that. If only 1,2 or none of these things are happening than all you said really is a bunch of excuses. I don’t care if people are stubborn, highly willed or no will at all it doesn’t change the fact if you are an able body adult you buck up and take care of yourself.
I live in New Jersey with my Wife, 37 yr. old son and 2 grandchildren, ages 14 and 12 yrs. old.
Our son has been going to a methadone clinic for years and smokes pot.
Now our 14 year old grandson is smoking pot also, in his room, which he shares with his brother, in our home. He is waiting a hearing on charges for possession of pot on 2 different occasions.
Their room looks like a pig pen, which my wife refuses to clean. Neither my wife or I can get them to keep their rooms clean.
Our son pays us $800.- a month for them to live with us. It is not worth it to us any longer.
There is much more to this story. My wife and I have hoed a long row.
So my question is this; Can my wife and I legally force them from our home?
Thanks.
Yes, you can make them leave your house but you might have to give 30 days notice or something like that. It depends on your state. I would contact a lawyer and find out for sure.
My experience with grown children living at home has been the opposite – rather than hoping we did not establish a tenant relationship, we intentionally established one. My adult children sign a lease.
They pay rent, they have chores, and they STILL have to follow household agreements. Half of their “rent” is put in a savings account, so that once they have decided they want to go forth and adult, they have a fairly decent savings account for moving expenses and a few months of living expenses.
If they choose not to follow the terms of their lease, there are a series of consequences put into place. So far, one moved out and one decided to move in with her grandparents, who, “Can’t imagine charging your child rent!” Which I guess is why my husband lived with them until he was 30. Our younger two just hit their teen years, and are looking forward to their first jobs.
Law in IL. Won’t let u throw them out she got me about broke
I would be tempted to move if it is really bad. That might be cheaper in the long run. Even if she is there at least you should pay for her groceries, insurance and things like that. If she is eating your food you bring home then eat out or in your car for a few weeks. I would certainly not make it comfortable for her to stay.
All very good advice.
My mother coddled and pampered her son. He never had to lift a finger around the house. My mother waited on him hand and foot. He had it really good there. He had no reason to leave. My father eventually got tired of having him around, he was about 35 at the time, and paid for an apartment for him to move into. My parents were going on holiday for a few weeks and he had that time to move out. Well, you guessed it. They came back from holidays at the end of the month and he was still there along with all his belongings. My father phoned my husband and asked him to come over with the truck and he’d pay him to move his son out. The apartment had been paid and that was a waste of money as it sat empty all month, but bottom line my parents didn’t seem to object to the money and gifts they gave their son. About a year later my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and his son convinced my father to move back into their house so he could help take care of her, and stupidly my father agreed. About 2 weeks after he moved in my mother had a stroke and went to a full time care facility for the rest of her life. Now my father starts complaining to us that he can’t get his son out. The only reason he allowed him to move back home was no longer a concern. About 2 years later my father decides the only way to get his son to move is to put the house up for sale. My father bought a condo – no room for his son. A little extreme but it worked.
Cheryl thank you for your story. I have people say all the time they can’t get rid of their grown children and I tell them if they need to they may have to move if they are serious about getting rid of them and I know they think I am crazy but you know sometimes you have to work hard or sacrifice things to get what you want. Just sitting and whining about your situation and is not going to fix it. My hat goes off to your dad. Sounds like he is a strong and wise man. I am so sorry about your mom. My grandma had Alzheimer’s and I know it can be so hard on the family. Tell your dad -way to go.
Hi, my son is 19 years old he is living with me he want get a job or go back to vocational training school like he keep saying he is. I gave him a deadline and still nothing I even have him a small bill to pay every month. The electricity bill and he only have to pay half of that it is sad because that was the only bill I made him responsible for. I am so sick and tired of him I packed his clothes just need to wait until he’s asleep to put him out. Please give me some advice on what to do, because I am lost at the moment Thank you Kim!!
It is hard for me to answer questions like this because there is usually more going on behind the scenes than is written in a short paragraph but I will try. First of all you need to look at the part you are playing and how you maybe should do it differently.Your son is only doing as much as what you are expecting of him and like many kids he is not going to do one thing more than he has too of what you expect of him.
We live in a society that tells their adult children I am going to totally support you and if you want to pitch in by paying a small electric bill once in awhile that would be great. It should be you can support yourself (even if you are going to school) and if I see you trying really hard and being responsible in every way I will more than gladly give you a helping hand by paying you electric bill if you need help. You see the difference.
Also there is really something wrong with your relationship if you are having to pack his clothes while he is sleeping and put him out. You are either doing things out of fear or anger and both are wrong ways to deal with a teenage child. That is why I say there are much deeper things going on than just needing to get him out of the house.
Actually on the practical side I would just calmly tell him you need to be out on blank day and if you aren’t then your things will be sitting outside. Come that day and he hasn’t packed you can start calmly packing up his things. It is simple and I don’t think you need my advice really- you made a deal – he goes to school or gets a job and pays the electric bill. Is he keeping his end of the bargain? No. So what happens in the real world and what would be the consequences if he lived in an apt and he didn’t pay his bill or do what he said he would do? He would be out on the street.
What part of the problem is that sometimes at this age parents find out that maybe they didn’t teach their children all the right things when they were young like to respect others, to honor their parents, to learn to care for others, respect authority, how to be responsible and learn it by seeing their parents doing all of these things. There is a reason that the Bible and God tells us to teach our children these things when they are young because He knows they can’t grow to be loving responsible adults if we don’t. Like I said it is hard to answer these questions because there is so much involved and sometimes people wait to call or ask for help after the house has burned down instead of getting help when they first see smoke. I hate to sound discouraging but I would be wrong to try and sugar coat it for you because you could not try to honestly fix it if I didn’t.
My husband and I desperately need help. My 32 year old daughter and 4 kids live with us. She gets child support weekly ssi checks for her and her son. The last 4 months she met a man and a drug dealer. She spends her entire checks on both and dont do anything to pay for her expenses or her children’s. We live on a fixed income and can hardly manage our mortgage let alone by food. And things the grandkuds need. What can we do she knocks holes in my walls and cusses and carries on everytime we have an argument or she dont get her way. There has been many physical altercations because of this which scares the children and we try to avoid these. What can we do. We tell her to leave and we will keep the children until she gets on her feet but she threatens to knock the windows out of our cars and things like this. It would be easy if it was just her but the grandkids cry after their mother. I just dont know what to do anymore. Please help me if you can. There’s await on housing maybe as long as 2 years. I just dont know what to do anymore. Please dont put my name to this. I dont want to be known
You need to call the police or at the very least a pastor, woman’s shelter or some place like that to get information or to help you deal with this. This is serious and you have let it go way beyond what is save not only for you but especially for your grandchildren. You may as well be holding a gun to their heads yourself. I know that might sound a little strong but I can’t impress enough how serious this is. You are those grandchilrens soul protecter at this point and you are also the only adult in this situation and because you are you can’t take anything your daughter wants or what the grandchildren want into concideration – by that I mean the even though the grandkids cry for their mother you know their mother is not safe to be around. You have got to call someone to get help right now because you aren’t even thinking right either by allowing the grandkids to be living in this.You need to call the police on your daughter too the next time she does anything like you mentioned. You need to get over how hard it is for you and how much it hurts you to call the police on your daughter and love her enough to get proper help even if that means calling the police. Put her and your grandchildren first and buck up and help them. Please call the police, a woman’s shelter, pastor or someone and they can get you the information you need for help.
When I was. 17 my parents gave me 10 dollars and put me on a train to Chicago illinois. I survived
Hello I am at my wits end I don’t know what to do I am a single mother of 4 daughters . well one daughter is still at home with 4 kids I am not allowed to discipline them I find myself in my room If I am not working because I cant stand the disrespect. I want them out! I worry about my grandkids. My daughter has cheated on her husband and the youngest is his nephews baby she still is seeing him. Not in my house from what I know. It’s to the point I am going crazy. HELP
I hate to give to much advice without knowing the whole situation and this is the best I can do with what you said. You may not like it I will warn you but if you love your daughter and grand kids you as the oldest adult will have to be brave and do it even if it is hard.
We live in a society where parents are terrified of their children.It is so out of balance. You need to be careful and really look honestly at the situation. Yes it is normal to worry about your grand kids but you also have to realize that you are causing them just as much emotional damage as their mother is. It is not good for them to see your daughter treating you the way she does and on top of that you allowing her too. It is not good for them to see their grandmother cowering in her room afraid of her daughter and grandchildren (and I am not talking physical fear here). You are teaching them all that to bully people and to disrespect people is ok. You need to deal with your own emotions and the reasons why you are allowing them to do this. I know you say it is because you are worried about your grand kids but you have got to let go and let your daughter make her own mistakes with her kids. You are really enabling her to do all of the things she is doing by giving her a place to stay and making things easy for her. If the kids are in real danger then of course you need to be brave enough to call the authorities if not then make her leave. It is your home, you are in charge and I hate to be blunt but why are you acting like a wiped pup?
If you want them out tell them to leave and really mean it. Just don’t threaten. Don’t say anything until you are sure you won’t cave in. At this point you may have to check the laws in your area because now if you allow someone to stay in your home for a certain period you have to give them so many days notice. You know what you want and what needs to be done – you said it yourself – they need to leave- so just do it. Every minute you put it off you yourself are hurting your grand kids by allowing them to live in an environment like this. You may think making them leave is bad but them being with you is just as bad with the things you are allowing to happen. Sorry I couldn’t give you a simple easy answer but sometimes you have to do hard things and uncomfortable things for your children’s sake even if it makes them mad at you.
I have been going through this situation with my wife’s daughters the past seven years. Her oldest daughter and family (husband and 3 kids), were evicted and came to live with us less than a month after we married. Never paid for anything except maybe food. Did not respect my home whatsoever and left childrens messes for my wife to clean. After 7 months i told them they needed to leave. A month later, the younger daughter had same mishap and asked if they could stay with us for “a few weeks”. Claimed they wouldn’t disrespect my home like her sister. She was twice as bad. After 9 months I informed them they needed to leave. The response I got was “You’ll have to evict me”. It took 3 years before they were gone(the first time) . Both step daughters et al were in and out multiple times like my home was a flop house. This has put an enormous strain on my marriage and I am in the process of divorce. My wife claims I am a selfish and hateful man to attack her grandchildren by making them homeless. The one here now disregarded the 30 day notice to quit I served her and my wife says we will all be gone when the divorce is final. The older one is now pregnant with 4th child by new boyfriend and I can see nothing good coming from this on my end. Wife has been looking after 5 kids daily as it is now and if everything continues as it has, there will be an infant entrusted to “her” care. I am 63-year-old that has no patience for crying babies. I am sorry the marriage has to end over this but my wife will not budge on taking over responsibilities that her daughters should be doing. Her claim is she has heart which I do not have. If her daughters had shown some respect and responsibility I may have been able to live with the situation. No other of their family has stepped up to help and I am retired and on fixed income and wife does not work. I can no longer afford to pay my own bills let alone costs for 5 to 8 others.
I even though I don’t believe in divorce I think your wife is not giving you an option. You aren’t hard hearted or you wouldn’t have allowed them to move in in the first place and in a situation like this she should back you up and support you not her grown children. You are setting reasonable boundaries where she is just enabling them to not be responsible or do what is right.
For those of you planning on marrying and blending families you need to really seriously talk about these things before the marriage and agree on a plan of action ahead of time as much as is possible.
Ty so much I know ur right! My son 35 his gf32 won’t work all they worry about getting 18.00 a day for clinic ,would rather junk than work been n our home 6months stil no job neither one wil work or do anything hava life -advice please
Oh Louise. You started the comment out thanking me and saying you know I am right which tells me that you probably know what you need to do but are really seeking my ok to do it. That is ok because it is hard to “kick” your kids out and you are needing a little nudge to do it in the same way you need to nudge or push your kids out. I had a woman last week say she was afraid to do anything because she was worried that she would ruin her child’s life if she did something but often what parents don’t realize they can ruin their child’s life more by not doing something like making them stand on their own 2 feet. I always say if we have a baby and carried it around all the time never letting it learn to walk are we doing him a favor? Of course not because if we never allow them to try to pull themselves up, toddle and fall down a few times then the will never learn to walk, skip and run or live a normal life but yet we do it all the time with our grown kids – carry them and pamper them because we are afraid they might fall. If we don’t fall sometimes we don’t learn to pick ourselves up and to grow and become stronger. They need to either get a job and pay for room and board or move out. Very simple
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Now this is a very ill advice! In most if not all state it wil get you arrested and may be subject to a restraining order and compensations leaving them possibly run your house. After only a few weeks and if they get mail at your house, they are autimatically “licensee tenants” and it is illegal to throw them out.
I have that issue trying to get rid of my kid’s partner. the police warned me and after checking the state statues I found that they have rights in living in my house as they got mail.
If your kid or his/her partner want to stay, they can make your life a living hell. Eviction is the only way to go. Best is not to have them pay a rent and only have them as guess.
Paul if you had read other places and comments where we post things we do tell people to check with the laws in their state and to be careful because once you let someone stay with you more than a week it can get very tricky.
My daughter works a full time job and so does her boyfriend but she.controls the money and they have two children that live with me. I struggle to keep up monthly and she will not contribute .Gets an attitude anytime I bring up the subject of rent to help out.If it were not for the children they would.be gone.How can I make her see that this is hurting me financially? I am 64 and want to slow down at work but can’t because I need the money
I don’t mean to sound harsh or anything but I don’t understand why you are having them live there if they are both working and what does “if it was not for the children” mean? You aren’t responsible for the care of your grandchildren when they have 2 parents who are healthy and both working. You are the older adult here and your daughter is just going along with what you are allowing her to get by with. Another thing if you think allowing them to stay there under these circumstances and with the way you feel is good for the grandchildren you are wrong. Children are very sensitive to tension between adults and you are making your grand kids live in worse circumstances for them than if they were living with their parents alone. Be careful that you yourself aren’t trying to control everything in your grandchildren’s lives by having them live with you. One of the hardest things to do is to allow your grown children to make their own mistakes and to see your grandchildren be a part of it but it is life and you do them all more harm but not making them leave. You are equally as wrong as your daughter by not doing anything about it and feeling like you are a victim.
Of course you did not mention abuse or anything and that is a whole different story.
Hi I need help,
My Step daughter is almost 28y and still living with us. we gave her the best education possible,private schools etc and she decided she wants do photography which does not pay much
I got no problem with photography “but if you have not succeeded in 5 years then hey wake up ” .I believe she is lazy to get a proper job.working 8 to 5 .She tried to move out about 3 months ago off which ,weekends were still by us ,her mother pays her medical aid plus still has to pay gym,rent for the 3 months” she tried to move out”
She contributes Zero towards the house ,not that I want it but I just want her to be on her own and independent ,this is creating conflict bwt wife and I and I want to move out. I do have another son staying with us but her is still studying ad does look for part time work
You know Mike I use to try to tip toe around questions like yours and be very sensitive because I know how hard it is being a mom (or dad) and dealing with adult children but after years of comments like yours I have kind of changed my way of dealing with these comments. There is a pattern with the parent or grandparent always listing what the adult child is or is not doing and what they as a parent is doing doing for the child. Usually the parent is upset because the child is not taking responsibility but the parent never looks at where they themselves have not taken responsibility.
That is in allowing it all to happen. You are hollering about your child’s bad behavior but you are not only allowing it to happen but you are enabling it to happen by keeping paying for everything. You stop paying for it all and she will have to figure out how to get a job and take care of herself but you have never made her do this or taught her how. It is like you said you have have paid for her the best education, paid for her medical, gym, rent. Why in the world would anyone want to go get a job when there is someone else taking care of these. She contributes nothing because you don’t expect and make her contribute anything. You and your wife alone are destroying your child and your marriage because you don’t have enough courage to stand up to your daughter and say no more and then stick by your words. You know good and well what needs to be done but you don’t want to do it because you don’t want your daughter to be mad at you or not love you. You need to love your daughter more than yourself and your fear of her being mad at you and step up to the plate and cut things off. Pay for her maybe 1 months rent in a cheap place, don’t sign anything with her and call it good. Stick to it and trust me she will figure it out really fast how to get a job. She isn’t lazy she is just smart and knows how to work the system – the system of mom and dad always baling her out.
We got into a big promble I was mom caretaker in my brother’s house he did not live there we paid all expenses for the house they started acussing me of abuse mom was being mean to me telling me I was not wanted but I was the only one that cared for her I got fed up and left in the middle of the nite went to mil house with mil is in asst iving but while there we took her to doc went shopping for her needs mil paid bills for the house there was a grandson staying there also we need to sell mil house so six months later we lefted the grandson would not come with us because we moved an hour away grandma was his meal ticket he will not work I also told we will sign a contract he had four weeks to get a job and his linscses then he will pay us x amount a week and make his own food he’s a very picky eater expected me to debone chicken for him he’s 27 years old when he found this out he refused to come and tells us I have it made gram will not sell the house as long as I have no place to go he bew his chance with us so when mil passes away he will be on the street and told him that now he’s moved a girl in there that does not eork
This is great advice, might I add a suggestion. Don’t do anything for her. She should wash her and her daughter’s own clothes, should be responsible to keep her area of the home clean, clean her own bathroom, and care for her child herself. Don’t give baths and don’t get up in the middle of the night with the grandbaby. Lastly, if she isn’t at the dinner table at dinner time, then she is responsible to make her and her daughter’s own meal. If she isn’t working I would suggest making her responsible to keep the house clean and make meals for the family. Then at least she would be contributing in some way. Best of luck and many prayers!
My biggest problem is the wife, she enables my step daughter and son both in mid twenties , she even makes the step daughters dinner plate, neither contribute to the household. This is where I started a new program, whereas if Mommy won’t let them grow up and allows them to lay around my house running up bills, then she can pay the difference in the bills. Bet you can guess now I’m horrible expecting two grown babies to contribute and mommy having to cover the difference for them. Now the second problem mommy has a gambling problem and these extra cost are causing her to not be able to throw away her money like before or she just doesn’t pay the Bills with me finding out after they are way behind. I never seen such insanity in my life, so many days when I just want to tell them all to get the _ Out and go abuse someone else.
I know I don’t know the whole situation in most of these cases but I have found out after many years of dealing with these types of things that there is much deeper things happening. You really need to get counseling or something along this line. As long as you put up with any of it you too are also enabling them to do all of this – it goes beyond even the money but everyone’s attitude of lack of love and respect for each other. If there is true love and respect for each other then each person would be thinking of the others and doing what is best for them not themselves. You can change the outside “physical (money etc)” dynamics but that won’t work until the emotional things and attitudes are changed. You will just keep hitting your head against a brick wall. If you get one physical area under control it will just pop out some place else. At this point you are not a family really and not one that cares for the others more than yourselves. You need to work at getting that fixed or to separate.
I’m told I’m too nice. A few years ago I found my son living on the streets of Baltimore in the winter. He had nothing and was recovering from a coke addiction. I arranged for him to fly here to AZ and helped him start from the cloths he was wearing, no HS diploma and unemployed to fully employed and an AA degree in Automotive engineering. He lives with me still and contributes nothing to the living, eg. food, electric, mortgage, etc… He plays video games all weekend and has to be asked to cut the grass. Recently he screamed at me over a nothing disagreement. The look on his face I’ve seen on only 2 other faces…my step-father when he’d beat me and scream to shut up or he’d give me something to cry about…which he would. The other one was my half-brother who towered over me and could have drove my head through the brick wall I was up against. He committed suicide a week later. I told my son about this and he just shrugged it off as if he didn’t care. I’m almost 70 and over the last 3 years or so I’ve beat death by catching pancreatic cancer early, surviving a stroke and brain surgery and a heart attack. I’m afraid this may turn violent, so much so, I’ve locked up the guns. He wasn’t happy about that. When I go to bed I lock my bedroom door and place my cane under the knob. I’m feeling the financial strain. I took a 60% cut in income last year when I lost my contract. How do I encourage him to move out? I don’t want to get the authorities involved.
You really need to face up to what the real problem is. It is not all your son’s fault. Being a mom myself I use to have so much sympathy in these situations with parents facing this but after dealing with so many of these cases and growing maybe a little older and wiser I have changed my answer a bit. The problem is you are enabling your son to do this. You are not standing firm and holding him accountable. Add to that because of your past relationships you emotionally are reacting the wrong way to the situation. You need to get your son out and you need to get some kind of counseling if you can.
What you have done is like a parent who sees his toddler trying to walk and after they fall a few times you pick them up and decide you don’t want them to fall and get hurt any more so you are going to carry them every place they need to go, never allowing them to learn to stand on their own 2 legs because you are worried they are going to fall and get hurt again. Not only does that make more work for you but it keeps the child from learning, growing and having their own freedom. You then become angry because of the burden they are putting on you by having to always carry them and they because weak and angry because you have kept them them from having their freedom even if that meant them hurting themselves so they really take it out on you.
You need to get some kind of help and to take what ever steps you have to to get him out. I have people e mail and say how can I get out of debt without cutting back on my spending because they don’t want to do the uncomfortable thing and cut back on their spending. Well that is not going to happen. If you don’t stop spending some place you will never get out of debt. I say this because you don’t want to get the authorities involved but it has gone way to far now and you really do need to. At this point if you have told him he has to leave and he won’t then you do have to get the authorities involved otherwise not only could you be hurt very badly but your son could be too because if he does something to you he will end up in jail all because you didn’t want to do the uncomfortable thing and call the authorities. Trust me calling them is the lesser of two evils.
Bottom line is you know exactly what you need to do, you just need to love your son enough to do what is best for him and you and make him leave no matter what it takes. Find a good friend, pastor or someone to help you if you need to but you need to do something right away.
We are having this problem with a 59 year old who won’t move out of Mom’s house. He gets surly and at times yells at her. Now his daughter moved in with her child. They are liars and manipulative. Mom needs to sell. She’s given them a deadline to get out – but they scream and cry they can’t make it on their own. She can go back to her husband (he wants her back), but he is just abusive and thought he’d wait for her to die and leave him the house. We are all really sick of dealing with it.
There is not much you can do so you may have to put your foot down and not help any more. Without realizing it family members think they are helping in situations like this but more often than not they are only enabling others to keep doing what they are doing. Whether they are adult children or parents there is a point where you have to just release them and let them deal with their own life and problems. You need to realize you can’t fix it for them. They are like alcoholics – until they decide they really want to change and get help there is nothing you can do. From what you have described there is a pattern in your mom’s life of allowing people to abuse her and until she realizes it and decides not to allow it to happen no more there is not much you can do. She needs counseling along with all the family members.
You are feeling the same feelings that parents do when they see their 19, 20, or young adult children making big mistakes but they won’t listen to the parents advice. It is frustrating, hard to watch and deal with but you have to release them and allow them to live their lives – the good, bad and ugly of it all. Oddly enough if you give yourself permission to do this it will lift a big weight from your shoulders. You can’t allow what they are doing too to affect your own immediate family because that then pulls you and them into the problem. A problem that is not yours and not of you or your immediate family’s making. That means you are making things even worse then.
You will get no where and keep spinning your wheels trying to fix or solve someone else’s problems until they really want it fixed and until they are really willing to put forth the effort to work at it and fix it themselves.
My grandson is 20 years old he dirtied up my house won’t clean I ask him to close the door one day he refuse when I got up to close it He threatened my life told me to just go sit down or he would kill me I can clean my house and two days later it is trashed out again I have began to retreat the day he was born
This is one of those cases where you should have stopped this a long time ago. You really need serious help to help show you how to get this taken care of. This is not normal behavior and if you don’t do something then your grandson will become one of those people who does something awful to harm you and others. I am sorry but this is serious and you are equally responsible at this point for anything he does to allow him to get by with this.
I appreciate all the questions and answers here. My stepdaughter has been spoiled and let off easy all the time because her mother committed suicide when she was 6. Her dad did a good job raising her as a single dad however never made her do anything. When we married she was 12. I thought I could make a difference. She is now 19 and addicted to marjiuana, been fired 4 times in the last year, has no driver’s license, cannot afford car insurance due to 2 minor in possession charges of marijuana. We mistakenly have allowed her to continue to live here because we know there is no affordable housing in our area. In Colorado 19 is the legal age so she has been 19 for 2 months. I don’t think this is nearly as difficult as we have made it. Simply put, she is allowed to live here, not work, not do chores, sleep all day, party all night and verbally abuse both of us. We will do an eviction notice per Colorado state law and I am DONE. I forgive her but there is NO reconciliation until she sees the truth. Thank you for helping me gain some courage here.
Kelly it takes a lot of courage but even more love to do what you are going to do. Bottom line is doing anything else will be enabling her to just keep hurting herself. I know it is hard and takes a lot of guts to do what you are going to do but it is really what is best for all of you even though it may not seem like it at the moment.
Concerning adult children living at home. I agreed with all of the options that you presented. One item, she may need to be cautious about is “eviction”. Different states have laws to protect “tenant” rights. Even if she’s never paid rent, she can be considered a tenant because she has lived there as an adult for some time and her mail comes to that legal residence. The “landlord” has to follow the state laws concerning eviction. The daughter may or may not push this issue, but if she did, it could get ugly. Ugly is expensive.
Here’s my thought, if they wont leave home then you leave home, leave them in there since the love the house so much.
I did, sold my house and moved out of state.
I figured if he wouldn’t leave then who on God’s earth to stop me from leaving? So I left.
I don’t know where to start I’m looking from the outside-in it’s true 30 year old man quitting is jobs $1,000 truck payment and other bills not able to pay them that’s $1,000 a month for the truck payment plus insurance for the truck and $80,000 truck recently he needed a lift for the truck dipped out 6 grand to put a lift on the truck the 30 year old man Grandma and Grandpa are supporting him how do I stop him how do I make Grandma and Grandpa understand the buck stops here they’re retired they won’t have anything left if he keeps on going what do we do and how do we stop him
You didn’t mention how you are related to the Grandparents – a child? other relative? neighbor? So the answer really depends on how you are related. Are the grandparents young enough to know what they are doing and are helping him willingly even though he is taking advantage. See it is so hard to answer these questions without knowing all and I mean all the facts. Here are a couple of things though. If the grandparents aren’t able to take care of themselves then all of the other family members need to be notified and a plan made as a group to go to the grandparents and talk to them about it. If they are not willing to do something then if it is serious, really serious then you need to go to a pastor, counselor, or social services and ask them for their advice because you can lay out the whole situation better with them then just in one paragraph here. If the grandparents are young enough to know what they are doing there is nothing you can do. The choice is theirs and they will have to live with the consequences. As harsh as that sounds the reality is young and old make really bad decisions and we can advice but then just have to leave the choice with them as hard as that seems.
I think this is happening to alot.of parents these days i have a 30 yr old son that does drugs stays on the couch all.day sleeping and up all night. I am raising my grandaughters who or 17 and 15 this has really affected me it is horrible he calls me name tells them what a horrible mother i am. I even babysit his 2 children everyday just doesnt make any sense.
Debbie I know it is a hard situation especially with grand kids involved. But one thing I want you to think about that might help you. You are focused on what your son is and is not doing right. He is now an adult and you are not responsible to change him but you are responsible for your own actions and how you handle things. You are enabling him to do everything thing he is doing by letting him live rent free, food free, free babysitting. Why would anyone want to change when they have such a good thing going. You are allowing all of it. He is no dummy because he has got a good thing going. He calls you names and disrespects you because you are allowing him to walk all over you and take advantage of you. Nothing will change until you at least step up to the plate and accept your responsibility in this. I had on young teen of mine try one time to tell me they weren’t going to do what I said. Oh boy! They were informed on the spot if they ever ever spoke to me like that again they would come home and find their suitcase of the front porch. They knew that I never made threats and if I said I was going to do something I would do it – no wavering. Never had a problem with disrespecting from them again and they apologized right away. You can’t wait for someone else to change in a situation like this. You are the older adult here. You either be honest and look at yourself and the part you are playing to enable him and decide no matter what you will not allow it or live with the situation.
Why is my boy afraid to leave me ? He only lived away from me for six months,is this normal?
It really depends on his age of course but I assume he is an adult and so no that is not normal. Now if he likes being around you, visiting with you and such that is ok but he should not be afraid to leave you. You need to talk to him or need to go to counseling.
I have an adult daughter living with me along with her three children. My son and I have a strained relationship along with his girlfriend. My daughter and grandchildren go to my sons home a lot and now they have my grandchildren disrespecting me, how do I handle this. Also my adult daughter leaves most everything up to me, cleaning, cooking and if I don’t all hell will break.
Patty there are way to many issues in your family for me to really address it all but one thing I want you to think about – who is the adult, boss or person of authority here – you or your kids. Sounds like your kids and for it to be this bad you have been letting them control you instead of you controlling them for many years. Nothing will happen or change until you decide you have enough and it is your home, your rules and you clean and cook for yourself alone. Until you decide to change nothing will it has to be you. The whole abusive situation lies with you. You need to put your foot down. If you are worrying about losing them you already have emotionally lost them. You may need to go in for counseling.
Basically have this exact situation. Daughter and grandaughter live with me, father took off when baby was about 7 months old. She is 2 1/2 now. Daughter was working 5 days a week but due to COVID and her sitter quitting she now works 3. I watch the baby those 3 days and work full time. She now wont look for another sitter to get back to 5 days or consider a different job. She does not pay rent nor does she do much. She gets food stamps so she counts that as her contribution. She has been using my 2nd car for over a year and I finally to her to buy it or I am getting rid of it. If I kick her out she literally has no where to go, and told me she will leave the state for a guy she met online who just got out of jail for …get this… family abuse. She is not yet even divorced and any time she gets money blows right through it. I also have made it clear from now on she buys her own supplies laundry soap ect. My hesitation: DHS in this state is deplorable. Foster kids are abused every day. Also this state has no grandparents rights. She cares more for herself than her daughter. And that baby is everything to me. Trying to lay down rules as we go slowly so she wont just take off, and believe me she would she only cares about herself.
I have a 40 year old son in law and a 37 year old daughter living under my roof. I have a granddaughter from them that is almost 2 1/2 years old. They have been living with me for five years this June. I just can’t take it anymore. My son in law only works 28 hours a week, $16.50 an hour. My daughter works 30 hours a week as a preschool teacher. My granddaughter has free pre=school. I have asked them to move out over this period of time. They were supposed to move out by January. and then they were going to move to Portland. Now it’s Las Vegas, Nevada. I still worked as a teacher, but get so upset that my son in law is playing games during the day during the week. I worked as a sp. ed. teacher. Please help. I am getting counseling because I too, believe that I am allowing this dysfunctional living situation. I have a 20 year old, who works, and goes to college. They pay only 400.00 a month. I doubled the rent tonight. Will they ever move. I am concern for my granddaughter, and told them I would take care of her, if they couldn’t manage it.
I know it is hard but you know the answer to your problem because you even said it in your comment so now it is a matter of just doing it. You are allowing it and it will do nothing but get worse. You say too you are doing it because you are worried about your granddaughter but why did you allow it the 2 or more years before she was born? They are adults and older adults so why in the world would you think they couldn’t take care of their own 2 1/2 yr old. You managed to take care of your own children why can’t they take care of theirs like you did. No I am afraid it all lands in your lap and there is nothing I or anyone else can help you with. You just need to do it and stop looking for a crutch from someone. You are doing exactly what they are doing. Wanting someone to fix things for you in a comfortable and easy way but life is not like that. Sometimes you need to just step up to the plate even if it is uncomfortable.
I don’t know what to call my situation. One true thing about it is my mother has told me to get out several times and I did not. I have many reasons why I haven’t. I guess I should give you some more information. My father is 80 with the 1st stages of dementia and a limited income. My mother is 74 with several major medical conditions and almost no income also she is never wrong about anything if she says to do something she wants you to stop what your doing and do what she wants plus she is very greedy when it comes to money. I’m 45 with heart failure I pay 90% of the bills plus almost all of the food. If I leave they will not be able to pay the bills or handle the upkeep of a large 6 bedroom, full kitchen, 3 bathroom, front, living, and dining room victorian house with a full basement and attic on 2 acres. We are in Ohio so it’s a lot of snow in the winter. 8 years ago my mother left my father so it was just me and him. She moved back in a year ago and basically turned the house upside down. Every room is filled with stuff some new some in boxes, bags, or plastic crates including rolls of rugs pictures you name it, it might be here somewhere. If I clean up to make a cleared area she will fill it within a day or two. I can only be in my room and kitchen and it is the same for my father. You can’t even use any of the other rooms let alone tell which room it is. My other siblings give her money and she spends it just as fast as she gets it on more stuff. My father told me to ignore her when she tell me to get out that she will leave before I will and she’s not leaving so you’re not leaving. Plus she only does it when she’s mad at you for not giving her any money when she want it.
I have no idea what I should do. I’m kicked out but can’t leave.
I think it would be best if you could somehow find a pastor or counselor who you could explain your situation too and see if they can advise you or help. Your situation is pretty complicated. Again without knowing more of what is happening I can only make suggestions and not sure they will fit what is happening with you. First I know it is very hard to do but you have to separate the emotional things from the practical things. You really need to move out. That doesn’t mean you won’t help them any more but you can’t help them while you are in the middle of the mess and you are drowning too. What good is a life guard who is drowning along with the victim he is trying to rescue?
Once you are removed from the situation then you and your siblings need to get together and come up with a plan. For example instead of them giving money to your mom you might suggestion they send the money directly to pay your parents bills or something like that or to help pay for someone to come in and help your dad. You say your mom has medical problems but how bad is she if you is able to buy and bring in so much stuff. It just makes me wonder if she isn’t using her condition to manipulate you. She is not that old and still a responsible adult even with medical conditions. It sounds like you are allowing her to abuse you. If you leave and she is left with have to take care of everything and your dad will that make her want to move out faster? Do you and your siblings need to talk to your dad about selling his home and finding a special place for him to stay in or to move into a smaller place that you rent or own with him and not allow your mom to come with you. I don’t know the whole situation. These are just somethings that you or you and your siblings need to think about and decide – trying to keep it practical with emotions out of it.
Hi Jill. Here’s my situation. I have a good friend who has been my housekeeper for 31 years. She is about as codependent as the rest of the posters on here. With her children. I’ve told her exactly the same thing you’re telling these folks and she has made some improvements but she still lets her 30 year old alcoholic son live in the house without paying rent. She says that she has to because she’s Latin and that’s what brown people do. And that her husband wouldn’t support her if she told him he had to leave. OK whatever. I decided a while back not to let it bother me anymore. But here’s the thing. About a week ago I asked her if she would be willing to go with me to a doctors appointment four hours away. It’s a specialist and I was told by The receptionist that I should bring somebody with me because the appointment pertains to memory problems and cognition and she said that it’s better to have someone who knows me go with me and explain to the doctor what they have personally experienced with me. My housekeeper said yes she would go. Then I asked her if it would be OK if we spent the night since it’s four hours away and it will take roughly 3 hours for me to take the tests and is to speak to the doctor. Then four hours back. And it’s located in beautiful La Jolla which I would love to spend a few hours seeing. She said no she didn’t want stay overnight because she didn’t want to leave her adult children for the night. She has never left them at home alone before. Her son is 30. And her daughter is 26. Her daughter is getting married and moving out next month. When she told me this my head just about exploded. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t quite know how to handle it but I feel like telling her “never mind, just stay home with your children.” If I had someone else I could bring to the appointment who knew me as well as she did, I would do that. I know her codependency has nothing to do with me and that it’s not personal against me, but I’m angry because I feel like I have really helped her and her family out. I gave her a down payment to buy a house several years ago because I consider her my family. (She and her husband have also gone out of the way to help me many times). But this is the one and only time I have ever asked her to spend a night away from home. I don’t think there’s anyway to influence her decision, and I guess that’s what I’d be trying to do if I told her not to bother coming with me. But I’m just so hurt that I don’t even want her to go. I don’t even wanna be sitting in the car with her. I’d rather just go by myself and hope the doctor listens to me and weighs heavier on lab test and another doctor’s notes I’ll be furnishing him with. I want to say “are you really THAT sick that you can’t make a single exception after all I’ve done for YOU?”
I really can’t of course tell you what to do because I don’t know have ill you are and how much help you need but I have learned a long time ago not to ever really depend on anyone because they will fail you so many times. Now I don’t want that to sound bitter because I have learned to forgive people and let things go but I find it is just easier for me to do as many things on my own then to have to deal with all of the emotional stress and hurt that happens so often when having to depend on other people. It often ends up being harder on me. If I were you I would just take my chances with the lab test, the other doctor’s notes and go by myself and if you have the money and are physically able to I would stay an extra day and enjoy myself.
Be careful too and prepared because something like this can ruin a friendship. Sometimes life changes and peoples lives change so much that we need to really forgive but if it keeps up you may have to rethink the relationship you guys have because once something like this seeps in it can break the dam and cause a really bad flood.
Thank you, Jill, so much for your sage advice. I agree with you that I should go alone. And apparently the universe agrees with us too, because I got an email from the brain clinic yesterday, where I have my appointment, that said due to Covid concerns I shouldn’t bring anyone with me to the appointment. The opposite of what they told me two weeks ago. So there you go. My friend said she would be happy to talk to the doctor on the telephone. Although I’m frustrated with her, I’m letting it go. It’s hard to find friends as loyal and kind as she has been despite her issues.
I wanna comment about what you said about doing as much for yourself as you can and not relying on others because so often they disappoint. I have had the same experience in life. But I’m wondering if that is a universal experience or just due to our childhood environments. My mom wasn’t really able to be a mother to me because she was so co-dependent and actually helpless with various people. To this day she can’t go anywhere without her dog—her last major relationship. I learned from a young age that I couldn’t depend on the adults around me to protect me from Predators, to take me to the doctor when I was sick or validate my individuality. I learned not to trust or rely on anyone outside of myself and God. I ended up not meeting or marrying anyone and not having children—doing everything on my own. I am a writer and work from home and spend most of my time by myself. I am strong and capable, successful and reasonably happy. But I am independent to the point of anti-dependence, if that makes sense. Because of exactly what you said—my experiences have shown me that I can’t really count on friends and family a lot of the time. I think that’s because that’s what I experienced and learned to expect in childhood. They say the ideal way to be is interdependent: I.e. to take care of yourself but also to take care of others and they take care of you as well. But I have rarely met anyone in my life I could be interdependent with. Life just keeps showing me that I’m better off expecting nothing from people (except those I pay) and being grateful for whatever I get, but just relying on the Creator and myself. I wonder if I had had a childhood where I could trust the people around me, to be there for me, if that would have given me an entirely different life today. or maybe this is just the way the world is now. I don’t know. Well I’m way off subject from the point of this forum, but I just wanted to reach out to you again and say thank you. You are doing important work here. Valuable work. You helped me and I know your helping untold numbers of others who don’t post. I’m glad I got to meet you.
My son of 22 would not leave home, but having had some good advice from an elderly friend, who said ‘don’t make things so comfortable at home!’,,, That was the best advice I ever had. I then started telling him to spend the evening in his room as I had a guest coming (I am widowed) and I wanted to watch so me opera on TV with him! I kept on making him uncomfortable living in my house at his age – along the lines of telling him I want the house to myself when I had special guests coming to visit; and also that he must stop lying on the couch in the lounge – but go to his room when I had visitors.
I did not even have to ask him to leave and find a place to stay, as he did not have the money – but I left some ads bys by the phone of jobs going.. The upshot was that he stayed out very late, but not having money, this was not often. We then had a chat about his leaving home as he felt unwanted – and I encouraged this train of thought, although I felt awful about making him feel I did not care about him. He left, got a job, and I used to give him food and a little cash to get on his feet. I then also explained that he had his whole life ahead of him, and I did want him to be happy and move on; I also said that I was almost middle-aged, and still had a lot of living to do, and could not do this with grown-up children living with me.
It was fortunate that we both settled into our own homes and routines and he and his family visit normally so it has all turned out well. I wish all you ladies the best in persevering to help your adult child to get their lives on track.